Day 37 – Possessed by Sex

Here in this blog I’ll be walking through an experience of possession I’ve had – where I became possessed by the want/need/desire for sex – wherein I was possessed by and through my mind to the point where I was not in control of my actions – a very unsettling experience but at the time I had no way to support myself out of it and became thus a victim of consequential outflow. I had no understanding or awareness of how the possession was created, and that I was in fact creating it myself. And thus I actually possessed myself. 

How the possession happened was over an accumulation over time, where I built up an addiction to energy that I would get through having certain experiences, in this case – sex – wherein sex was not simply the physical act of two coming together and expressing themselves as physical beings in comfort with one another, but I, through my mind, made sex something ‘more’, according to how I had learned to view/perceive sex as how I’d learned from the examples of others in my world and reality, where sex is ‘glorified’ as if it is the highest and sole purpose for one to attain to in one’s life here, and you see this reflected practically everywhere you turn in the media, on television and movies, in magazines, etc, and thus there’s many points in one’s reality that promulgate this relationship toward sex. 

Within creating this relationship of separation toward sex, one separate oneself from sex within making it something ‘more’ and through this separation, generate friction as energy, and thus one has an energetic experience around/toward sex, where you can actually feel the energetic reaction within your human physical body, as this sort of rush of energy within the body, at even just a thought or picture having to do with sex.

So what happened was that I would participate in thoughts toward sex more and more where I’d go into backchat like ‘oh man, I really want to have sex’ and ‘I would really love to be having sex right now’ and the thoughts/backchat would become more and more ‘intense’, in order to continue building the suspense and desire toward having sex, so here I would generate an entire experience around the thought/desire to have sex, when no actual physical activity as sex was even taking place meaning I wasn’t actually physically experiencing sex, either as masturbation with myself or sex with another being, while having these thoughts and backchat, but was creating an entire energetic experience through the participation in the thoughts and backchat, just based on the idea of the act of sex.

What I did not realize/understand at the time was that I was actually developing and encouraging an addiction to the energy that I was generating through the participation in thoughts of sex. I didn’t realize the consequence of my participation in the thoughts and backchat and the relationship of addiction to energy that I was creating, until I was actually experiencing the consequences first hand, which was that my very behavior around others was completely controlled and directed by this addiction I had developed, wherein every move I made, every gesture, every word I spoke, I did so from within the starting point of trying to fulfill this desire/addiction. 

How I experienced this desire/addiction was like an ‘empty’ feeling within myself and an ‘aching’/longing feeling, as if I was missing something of myself that I needed desperately to feel and would not, could not feel satisfied without. But, what I did not realize at the time was that I was actually creating that feeling of emptiness that ‘required filling’ within myself, in the first place. As the energetic experiences I was generating within myself based on the thoughts of sex were created by utilizing the physical substance of the human body to generate the energy I experienced through chemical reactions, I was thus depleting the body of it’s resources, and thus actually manifesting a physical depletion of and within myself as my human physical body. I could actually feel the discomfort that the longing and desire for sex was causing to my body, but in the belief that the desire was ‘real’, I did not stop participation in the thoughts and backchat, as I had become addicted to that energetic experience and did not want to stop, and thus did not allow myself to consider the possible consequences that I was causing to myself as my human physical body.

So, whether I was in a relationship with another being or not, this addiction drove and controlled my behavior, where when I was not in a relationship, whenever I’d be around another being, I’d immediately assess them according to whether they were a potential sex-partner or not – and if it seemed there was a possibility, I would immediately go into the mode of now trying to find a way to manifest us coming together somehow with the end result of having sex, even if that meant having to take time to develop a relationship which could take weeks or months, I was already looking at and planning it out in my mind and measuring/weighing the potential that my interaction with a particular individual might lead to having sex. Then, within this mode, my behavior as what I said, how I moved, how I walked, what kind of mannerisms I used – everything was geared toward the goal of eventually getting to have sex.

When/if I was already in a relationship with another being, I was still possessed by the addiction/desire for sex, wherein the want/need/desire for sex would control my very behavior with my partner, wherein I would apply practically the same techniques in order to ‘seduce’ my partner into having sex with me, wherein when I was experiencing this want/need/desire for sex, it would literally ‘take me over’ and I would become possessed, and the only thing occupying my mind was the want/need/desire for sex, and thus within this possession I was literally existing as only this one singular point, and thus not really existing at all, as I was not here as myself, but was living as this desire, as a slave to the addiction to energy.

No matter how much sex I did get, it was never enough, as it was the energetic experience I was creating toward/around sex that I was actually addicted to, and since energy is not constant, you constantly crave more and more, so this addiction built and built til it really got out of hand, and it felt like this desire for sex was consuming my life, where the thoughts and backchat that I had been participating in and giving permission to time and time again, would simply runamok, and I started to become quite disturbed by just how much this point of possession had taken over my life. The desire and thoughts for sex became a constant distraction where I it would get in the way of focusing on doing anything else and I wondered what am I living for? As I certainly wasn’t living for myself, but was living for this desire which I could see had no end in sight.

It wasn’t until I started walking with Desteni in a process of self investigation of my thoughts, feelings, and emotions in investigating and really getting to know and become aware of what I participate in within my mind, and the consequences that I manifest through that participation, that I realized that I was the actual cause of the addiction in the first place. And it’s through the tools presented of self-writing wherein you write out what goes on within you to get an actual clear picture of what goes on in yourself, and then taking responsibility for what you allow within yourself, so that you can then apply corrective action to change yourself, that I have actually been able to stop the addiction to energy that I utilized thoughts toward sex to generate, and have literally ‘taken myself back’ from where I gave myself away to these thoughts and backchat, and giving myself the gift of life, to live as a self-directed individual no more enslaved to my mind and my thoughts. 

Within stopping this addiction, I have actually given myself the gift of actually experiencing sex for real, as when I was possessed by the addiction, my focus was on the energy and generating the energy, and thus I was actually missing out on the real actual physical experience of sex, as I was always busy in mind in thoughts, generating the energetic experience toward sex. So now I have given myself the gift of being able to develop actual sexual expression in and as the physical. To develop an actual real relationship with another being that is not based on using and manipulating the other for energy, but is based on developing our expression in oneness and equality and taking ourselves to the fullest potential as physical beings, which leads to real satisfaction.

So now I will share some self forgiveness and self commitment in regard to stopping self and taking self back from addiction to assist and support self to release self from energy addiction toward sex-

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a relationship toward sex, separating myself from sex, and within that separation generating friction as energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts and backchat of wanting/needing/desiring to have sex, not realizing that the want/need/desire has nothing to do with the actual physical act of sex, and is only an energetic experience I am creating within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the energy which I create through participation in thoughts and backchat toward sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider the consequence of participating in thoughts and backchat toward want/need/desire for sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that within being addicted to the energy that I generate to/toward sex, that I am not actually experiencing sex, but energy that I am creating within my human physical body, that utilize the resources of the human physical body, and thus I am not experiencing the actual physical act itself, and actually depleting my human physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that if I am living as a want/need/desire, that I am then not living as myself, and am thus wasting my time here in this life as a slave to an addiction where I am living for and as that addiction, rather than living here as myself as a being able to express myself and grow and expand myself to my fullest potential, which I am not able to do when my mind is constantly consumed with thoughts of sex and how to get sex.

I commit myself to investigating myself as my mind and seeing what I am participating in as thoughts and backchat, so that I can take self responsibility to stop and apply corrective action so that I can take back self direction from where I have given it away to my mind within addiction, so that I can actually be here and live life as myself.

I commit myself to walking the process of getting to know myself so that I can walk as who I am in awareness and not as a slave of my own making to my mind consciousness system where I give more and more of myself away until all that remains is the addiction and I become completely possessed.

I commit myself to realizing that I can stop my thoughts and backchat, as I am the one that created it in the first place, and thus I un-create it the same way as I created it, in walking it backwards where instead of giving permission to the thoughts, feelings, emotions and backchat, I stop giving permission, and thus stop the addiction within and as dedication and consistency in no longer participating in/giving attention/power to the thoughts, feelings and emotions, and so take back myself and my self direction, so that I am here constant and stable as myself, and not controlled/directed by/giving my life away to an addiction.

For support on how to get started walking your own process to self freedom through the tools of self writing,  self forgiveness, and self corrective application there is the Desteni I Process, which has vastly assisted and supported me in my own process over several years and which I am still walking with today. The support and assistance received is beyond valuable and is available to all regardless of income.

Desteni Art by Andrew Gable