Day 90: Self Forgiveness on the Disappointment Character

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as the Disappointment Character, where I let myself be taken over completely by/into this character design that consists of an entire suite of specific thoughts, feelings, emotions, backchat, mannerisms, tonalities, internal conversations, behaviors, that I then become and live as, and thus am not here as myself, simply living here as breath and able to express myself, because I’m now trapped within an energetic possession where then all I think/do/say/act/feel is the preprogrammed reactions/behaviors of the character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I am faced with a reality that did not meet my expectations, and then experience disappointment, that I am the cause of that disappointment, because I am the one that created the expectation, and held on to the expectation, and decided that if I did not get my expectation, that I would go into an energetic experience as a reaction and thus become my own enslaver by enslaving myself within the character design play-out that I allowed to be activated and that I allowed myself to participate in. And thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that nothing and no one is ever the cause of my disappointment except myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my disappointment is actually disappointment with myself and thus I should look at what it is that I am disappointed with myself, to find where I have ‘let myself down’, so that I can take self responsibility for myself to stop disappointing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become accustomed to the entire experience of going into/becoming/being possessed by this character, such that it feels ‘normal’ and ‘right’ and that I feel like I don’t want to stop, because It’s what I’ve become used to and thus within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form a relationship/dependency to/toward a character, and to trust this feeling, and not realize that this is the perfect enslavement of myself so that I’ll never realize myself and my potential and stand up and make a difference in this world, but will remain possessed within a prescribed, predesigned character that is not life/living as instead of being here and participating in the world/reality, I’m busy within my mind as a character living according to the perceptions of my mind which aren’t real, and thus I’m not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow a single picture in my mind to trigger/activate an entire take-over/possession of myself, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to design myself as my mind in such a way that this is even possible, and that I did not realize what I was doing as I was creating and programming myself as a character/characters.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I go into the Disappointment character as a form of ‘Giving Up’, wherein I’ve accepted myself as a ‘victim’ to reality, where because things didn’t turn out as I’d expected, now I just ‘give up’ on reality, and then experience myself as not wanting to participate in reality, and thus when I experience the disappointment character, it’s to look at what have I ‘given up’ on, meaning where have I given up my self direction, my self responsibility, my self expression, and given in to reasons and justifications as to why I can’t participate now, because I was ready to only participate in one version of reality, the one I wanted/expected, within this, not considering how extensively I’ve limited myself by completely compromising my ability to act/live/speak/express/move in any moment no matter what happens. And thus, within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I experience disappointment because I have given up on myself, and on my life, by compromising my self expression, my self direction, my self responsibility, my ability to live in the moment as myself and not as trapped and possessed within an energetic possession of my own creation.

Self Corrective Application on the Disappointment Character to follow in the next post..

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Day 44 – How to Become Life

Featured Art by Marlen Vargas Del Razo

For context listen to 2012: How to Become Life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore that I have always seen what’s going on within myself within my mind and within this existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand up and take action in this world within the excuse of ‘what’s the point’ or ‘what’s the use’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not face what is really going on this world because I do not want to admit that things have gotten out of my control, and that will ‘hurt’ my pride/ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the state of uselessness and powerlessness, feeling like I am a victim and can’t do anything to change the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I am within that state of uselessness/powerlessness that I am actually in a state of possession, wherein I am only that point of uselessness and powerless and become it, where that’s all that I’ll see, all that I’ll live and all that I’ll experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize if I am living within fear, that I am possessed by fear where fear is all that I’ll become, all that I’ll see, all that I’ll live and all that I’ll experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that when I live as fear, that I become spiteful and nasty, as the origin of spitefulness and nastiness is fear, and that when I act nasty and spiteful it is showing that I am actually accepting and allowing myself to be possessed by fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I must actually walk the process of self realization and self honesty for myself in seeing for myself what I accept and allow to go on within me within my mind, as only I can see my thoughts and what I participate in within my mind.

I commit myself to realize that the excuse of ‘it is useless/I am powerless’ is just that - an excuse, to not stand up and change, and thus I commit myself to stand as an example that it is not ‘useless/’ and I am not ‘powerless’ by changing myself and my nature to such that will have an actual impact on this world and reality, by walking the process of taking back my ‘power’ that I have given away to the mind by participating in excuses and backchat such as ‘it is useless/I am powerless’.

I commit myself to realizing that it is me that actually create and am responsible for what I experience and what I exist as, by/through what I decide and accept and allow myself to participate in and become.

I commit myself to no longer accepting and allowing myself to be/become possessed by energetic mind reactions/experiences such as fear and uselessness/powerlessness, wherein I become that point and only that point as I allow it to literally ‘take me over’ and all that I see, hear, experience, will be of fear or of powerlessness.

I commit myself to being aware of the fact that I do see what goes on in my mind and what is going on in this reality, and within this, to directly face what is here within/as myself and this reality, to sort out that which does not stand as what is best for life.

I commit myself to realizing that avoiding/pretending I don’t see what is really going on within this world/myself in order to protect my ‘pride/ego’ is an act of abuse wherein I am allowing the world to be in a mess for the sake of protecting an idea of myself as ‘superior/good/right’, when that idea/image of me isn’t even real and only exists within my mind, and not in reality, because who I am is allowing this world to suffer, instead of taking practical action to ensure that this reality is actually as it should be and that I am living in such a way that I am not accepting and allowing suffering and abuse to exist in my world.

I commit myself to realizing that ego is based on deception and self delusion, as it is dependent on an image of self within the mind, where one in one’s mind try to make oneself look good, while one’s standing in actual reality, is manifesting a world full of abuse and suffering. Thus- 

I commit myself to stopping participation in/as ego, within the realization that it is not real and what I require to focus on is who I am in actual reality, as who and what I live as within my words and actions as the example that I set for all and what I accept and allow to exist in this reality, as it’s what I do and say in reality that determines my character, not an image that I create in my mind.

Day 37 – Possessed by Sex

Here in this blog I’ll be walking through an experience of possession I’ve had – where I became possessed by the want/need/desire for sex – wherein I was possessed by and through my mind to the point where I was not in control of my actions – a very unsettling experience but at the time I had no way to support myself out of it and became thus a victim of consequential outflow. I had no understanding or awareness of how the possession was created, and that I was in fact creating it myself. And thus I actually possessed myself. 

How the possession happened was over an accumulation over time, where I built up an addiction to energy that I would get through having certain experiences, in this case – sex – wherein sex was not simply the physical act of two coming together and expressing themselves as physical beings in comfort with one another, but I, through my mind, made sex something ‘more’, according to how I had learned to view/perceive sex as how I’d learned from the examples of others in my world and reality, where sex is ‘glorified’ as if it is the highest and sole purpose for one to attain to in one’s life here, and you see this reflected practically everywhere you turn in the media, on television and movies, in magazines, etc, and thus there’s many points in one’s reality that promulgate this relationship toward sex. 

Within creating this relationship of separation toward sex, one separate oneself from sex within making it something ‘more’ and through this separation, generate friction as energy, and thus one has an energetic experience around/toward sex, where you can actually feel the energetic reaction within your human physical body, as this sort of rush of energy within the body, at even just a thought or picture having to do with sex.

So what happened was that I would participate in thoughts toward sex more and more where I’d go into backchat like ‘oh man, I really want to have sex’ and ‘I would really love to be having sex right now’ and the thoughts/backchat would become more and more ‘intense’, in order to continue building the suspense and desire toward having sex, so here I would generate an entire experience around the thought/desire to have sex, when no actual physical activity as sex was even taking place meaning I wasn’t actually physically experiencing sex, either as masturbation with myself or sex with another being, while having these thoughts and backchat, but was creating an entire energetic experience through the participation in the thoughts and backchat, just based on the idea of the act of sex.

What I did not realize/understand at the time was that I was actually developing and encouraging an addiction to the energy that I was generating through the participation in thoughts of sex. I didn’t realize the consequence of my participation in the thoughts and backchat and the relationship of addiction to energy that I was creating, until I was actually experiencing the consequences first hand, which was that my very behavior around others was completely controlled and directed by this addiction I had developed, wherein every move I made, every gesture, every word I spoke, I did so from within the starting point of trying to fulfill this desire/addiction. 

How I experienced this desire/addiction was like an ‘empty’ feeling within myself and an ‘aching’/longing feeling, as if I was missing something of myself that I needed desperately to feel and would not, could not feel satisfied without. But, what I did not realize at the time was that I was actually creating that feeling of emptiness that ‘required filling’ within myself, in the first place. As the energetic experiences I was generating within myself based on the thoughts of sex were created by utilizing the physical substance of the human body to generate the energy I experienced through chemical reactions, I was thus depleting the body of it’s resources, and thus actually manifesting a physical depletion of and within myself as my human physical body. I could actually feel the discomfort that the longing and desire for sex was causing to my body, but in the belief that the desire was ‘real’, I did not stop participation in the thoughts and backchat, as I had become addicted to that energetic experience and did not want to stop, and thus did not allow myself to consider the possible consequences that I was causing to myself as my human physical body.

So, whether I was in a relationship with another being or not, this addiction drove and controlled my behavior, where when I was not in a relationship, whenever I’d be around another being, I’d immediately assess them according to whether they were a potential sex-partner or not – and if it seemed there was a possibility, I would immediately go into the mode of now trying to find a way to manifest us coming together somehow with the end result of having sex, even if that meant having to take time to develop a relationship which could take weeks or months, I was already looking at and planning it out in my mind and measuring/weighing the potential that my interaction with a particular individual might lead to having sex. Then, within this mode, my behavior as what I said, how I moved, how I walked, what kind of mannerisms I used – everything was geared toward the goal of eventually getting to have sex.

When/if I was already in a relationship with another being, I was still possessed by the addiction/desire for sex, wherein the want/need/desire for sex would control my very behavior with my partner, wherein I would apply practically the same techniques in order to ‘seduce’ my partner into having sex with me, wherein when I was experiencing this want/need/desire for sex, it would literally ‘take me over’ and I would become possessed, and the only thing occupying my mind was the want/need/desire for sex, and thus within this possession I was literally existing as only this one singular point, and thus not really existing at all, as I was not here as myself, but was living as this desire, as a slave to the addiction to energy.

No matter how much sex I did get, it was never enough, as it was the energetic experience I was creating toward/around sex that I was actually addicted to, and since energy is not constant, you constantly crave more and more, so this addiction built and built til it really got out of hand, and it felt like this desire for sex was consuming my life, where the thoughts and backchat that I had been participating in and giving permission to time and time again, would simply runamok, and I started to become quite disturbed by just how much this point of possession had taken over my life. The desire and thoughts for sex became a constant distraction where I it would get in the way of focusing on doing anything else and I wondered what am I living for? As I certainly wasn’t living for myself, but was living for this desire which I could see had no end in sight.

It wasn’t until I started walking with Desteni in a process of self investigation of my thoughts, feelings, and emotions in investigating and really getting to know and become aware of what I participate in within my mind, and the consequences that I manifest through that participation, that I realized that I was the actual cause of the addiction in the first place. And it’s through the tools presented of self-writing wherein you write out what goes on within you to get an actual clear picture of what goes on in yourself, and then taking responsibility for what you allow within yourself, so that you can then apply corrective action to change yourself, that I have actually been able to stop the addiction to energy that I utilized thoughts toward sex to generate, and have literally ‘taken myself back’ from where I gave myself away to these thoughts and backchat, and giving myself the gift of life, to live as a self-directed individual no more enslaved to my mind and my thoughts. 

Within stopping this addiction, I have actually given myself the gift of actually experiencing sex for real, as when I was possessed by the addiction, my focus was on the energy and generating the energy, and thus I was actually missing out on the real actual physical experience of sex, as I was always busy in mind in thoughts, generating the energetic experience toward sex. So now I have given myself the gift of being able to develop actual sexual expression in and as the physical. To develop an actual real relationship with another being that is not based on using and manipulating the other for energy, but is based on developing our expression in oneness and equality and taking ourselves to the fullest potential as physical beings, which leads to real satisfaction.

So now I will share some self forgiveness and self commitment in regard to stopping self and taking self back from addiction to assist and support self to release self from energy addiction toward sex-

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a relationship toward sex, separating myself from sex, and within that separation generating friction as energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts and backchat of wanting/needing/desiring to have sex, not realizing that the want/need/desire has nothing to do with the actual physical act of sex, and is only an energetic experience I am creating within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the energy which I create through participation in thoughts and backchat toward sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider the consequence of participating in thoughts and backchat toward want/need/desire for sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that within being addicted to the energy that I generate to/toward sex, that I am not actually experiencing sex, but energy that I am creating within my human physical body, that utilize the resources of the human physical body, and thus I am not experiencing the actual physical act itself, and actually depleting my human physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that if I am living as a want/need/desire, that I am then not living as myself, and am thus wasting my time here in this life as a slave to an addiction where I am living for and as that addiction, rather than living here as myself as a being able to express myself and grow and expand myself to my fullest potential, which I am not able to do when my mind is constantly consumed with thoughts of sex and how to get sex.

I commit myself to investigating myself as my mind and seeing what I am participating in as thoughts and backchat, so that I can take self responsibility to stop and apply corrective action so that I can take back self direction from where I have given it away to my mind within addiction, so that I can actually be here and live life as myself.

I commit myself to walking the process of getting to know myself so that I can walk as who I am in awareness and not as a slave of my own making to my mind consciousness system where I give more and more of myself away until all that remains is the addiction and I become completely possessed.

I commit myself to realizing that I can stop my thoughts and backchat, as I am the one that created it in the first place, and thus I un-create it the same way as I created it, in walking it backwards where instead of giving permission to the thoughts, feelings, emotions and backchat, I stop giving permission, and thus stop the addiction within and as dedication and consistency in no longer participating in/giving attention/power to the thoughts, feelings and emotions, and so take back myself and my self direction, so that I am here constant and stable as myself, and not controlled/directed by/giving my life away to an addiction.

For support on how to get started walking your own process to self freedom through the tools of self writing,  self forgiveness, and self corrective application there is the Desteni I Process, which has vastly assisted and supported me in my own process over several years and which I am still walking with today. The support and assistance received is beyond valuable and is available to all regardless of income.

Desteni Art by Andrew Gable

Day 14: Jealousy - I want what you're living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I participate in jealousy toward another, I am participating in one of the nastiest patterns of behavior that exists, wherein I sabotage not only myself but all others in my world, by living in such a way where I am only considering myself and trying to shape my world into what is best for me, disregarding all others, and disregarding the consequences that I create when I abdicate my self-responsibility and allow myself to be directed by the design of jealousy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that participating in the construct of jealousy actually only serves to trap me in a position of jealousy toward another, as I am not taking any practical action, but am only spending my time and energy participating in thoughts and backchat about what another has that I want, how it isn't fair that they have it and more various backchat depending on the extent to which one participates, where it can become extremely nasty and spiteful, and thus I am only existing as cycling through these thoughts and backchat in my mind, instead of living here and living for myself that which it is I am jealous of another for living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste the time that I have in this life in a state of jealousy, wherein instead of living for myself that which I see another living, I'm wasting time in my mind, where I literally become possessed by thoughts, feelings, and emotions through my continued acceptance and allowance of my participation in such thoughts and experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want another to not have what I don't have, rather than considering how I can live it for myself, or if I cannot live it for myself, to realize then that there is no point to continue focusing on that which is not within my ability, and instead focus on that which is within my ability to actually live as myself, so that I ensure my focus is always on expanding myself in every way possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I am not only harming others within participating in jealousy but that it works both ways, wherein when I attempt to keep others down I am also keeping myself down, as I am accepting my world and those in it as diminished, which means I will not have the examples of others within my world to learn from and explore new ways of expressing myself that I had not before considered, or opening up opportunities for expansion within working together with others, thus within not allowing anyone in my world to expand, I create my world to be not able to assist and support myself to expand as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become so possessed by jealousy that it controls and affects my very behaviors as my mannerisms, words, actions, tonalities, wherein what I say and do is from the starting point of manipulating the situation toward an outcome that is best for me, in total disregard of another, or even in deliberate attempt to sabotage another, in the desire to get what I want for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that when I am possessed with jealousy, then I am not here, living and experiencing myself here in the physical reality, but am 'lost' within my mind within thoughts, and thus 'missing out' on life, which will feed my patterns of jealousy, as I am denying myself opportunities in moments to be here living and expanding myself, and thus sabotaging myself, where instead I could in those moments be putting in the time and effort to expand myself and actually live here, and then I would not feel like I am 'missing out' on anything, as I'd be too busy actually living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that if I am not directing my mind to ensure that the patterns I live as are in the best interest of all life here, and assisting and supporting all life, myself included, to develop and expand ourselves, for if I am not the directive principle of my mind, the automated reactions I accept as myself are what I will become and manifest in this world in the image and likeness of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed an economic system which supports jealousy by not giving equal support to all individuals, so that some receive more support to expand themselves in this world, while others are disregarded and not given the same opportunity to exist and thrive here, and within this providing a platform on which jealousy to thrive for those that have not received adequate support towards those that have received more.

I commit myself to not participating in patterns and behaviors of jealousy, and to stop immediately when a thought of jealousy come up and realize that if I decide to participate in such thought that I am sabotaging myself by going into my mind into spitefulness, rather than living and expressing myself here in the physical reality.

I commit myself to realize that when I participate in jealousy I harm myself and everyone within accepting diminishment and limitation, and standing deliberately in the way of the expansion of myself and this existence in it's entirety, thus it is my responsibility to ensure that I do not participate in jealousy, so that I do not manifest a world of limitation and abuse.

I commit myself to live from the starting point of expanding myself and my world, so that I assist and support myself and my world to become the best it can be in all ways.

I commit myself to bringing forth an economic system which is based on equal support for all, so that all have the equal opportunity to exist and thrive here, and none are left out.

I commit myself to living to my fullest in each and every moment, in each and every breath, being present here, so that the the thought or temptation to go into jealousy does not have the opportunity to present itself, as I am already busy living my life and expanding myself here.

I commit myself to ensuring that I am the directive principle of my mind, so that I ensure that the behaviors that I live are directed in such a way that is best for life and that I am in no way accepting abuse or limitation to exist.