Humanity's Journey to Life: fun

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Day 187: Why Me? Do you Recognize this Character?

Featured Artwork by Marlen Vargas Del Razo

This post is part of the 'Why Me' Character series. Previous posts:

Day 183: Everything that Happens to Me is Another Excuse to Feel Bad

Day 185: WHY ME - Drunk on the Whine of Imagination

So now we are going to continue with looking at the Victim Character, in which I victimize myself, utilizing the events/situations that occur throughout the day, to build a character of self-defeat, where I make something out of nothing, and add further consequence to my living. What’s ironic about this pattern, and with all mind patterns actually, is that the mind reverse everything, so that instead of doing what would be most effective, most beneficial for oneself, in a moment, we’ll do the complete opposite, and we’ll actually think it’s a good idea to do so, and that it makes sense. Which is what I found in investigating my own mind, and really having a look in self honesty, at just what is going on, like – what is the motive behind my thoughts, what actions are they driving me toward? And what I’ve found is just, really quite bizarre, as we tend to go into the acceptance of limitation, instead of toward that which will lead us to actually expand ourselves to be effective human beings and live to our true potential.

At first I felt overwhelmed as this point opened up – as I was actually becoming more and more aware of just the extent to which I had come to exist as this primary pattern of self-defeat and self-sabotage, where it has become so permeated into my very being-ness, that it’s like I think, eat, and sleep it practically.

Yet, thanks to the assistance I’ve had from walking with Desteni, I am able to realize that this overwhelmedness is now only because I am finally becoming aware of the point, and I have been living as this point for nearly my entire life, so it is really nothing new. And this is what is so awesome about becoming aware of and seeing the patterns one exist as – because now there is the possibility to change those patterns, and stop those patterns.

So, I’ve noticed a few dimensions to this character, where I basically go into creating conflict with reality, I mean that is essentially what this pattern is – creating conflict.

I notice that this character comes up when for example things don’t go according to how I’ve planned, or like when something unexpectedly comes up, and now I am not able to continue with things as planned.

Another situation in which this character arise, is through comparison of myself to another, for example someone in my life like a coworker or my partner, wherein I’ll see them doing or experiencing something that I think is ‘cool’ or ‘fun’ , and then compare that to what I am doing in the moment which I’ve defined as not ‘cool’ or ‘fun’, and then go into a ‘why me’ experience based on that comparison in that moment.

And then, another way I notice this character come up, is when events will happen to me that I’ve defined as ‘negative’ within a relationship of ‘what one is supposed to have a negative reaction toward’, which I will then ‘accrue’, or ‘add up’ over the course of a day or even weeks or months or really there is not set ‘time limit’, where each ‘bad thing’ that ‘happens to me’ is like ‘one more nail in the coffin’ where I use each following point to go further and further into this character.

So, in the next post of the WHY ME Character series, in which I will be continuing with the practical application of writing out this character, to get to see and understand it in all its dimensions, I will take a look at the Thought Dimension of this character, as what is the typical initial Thought/Thoughts that come up that activate this character.

Day 172: Board Games as Tools for Brainwashing (Part 3)

This post is a continuation from the previous posts:

Day 170: Board Games as Tools for Brainwashing

Day 171: Board Games as Tool for Brainwashing (Part 2)

Now we’re going to continue from the previous posts, in now walking Self Forgiveness on the relationship we’ve existed as that we’ve discovered through having a look at our relationship with/toward board games, in this bringing responsibility back to self at the individual level, as that is where all responsibility lies, and then we’ll walk Self Commitment Statements, to correct our relationship with board games to an equal and one standing to assist and support with no longer giving one’s ‘power’, as one’s self will and self direction, away to board games.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget that I was not born already playing board games or already liking board games, but that I had to be taught about them, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take for granted that 'board games are fun' or are 'normal' and thus to not question/investigate them, as to what they show about our accepted nature as humanity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when where it comes up in a moment to play a board game, and I notice a character activating within myself according to the memories of past experiences with playing board games, to not question this, but to accept it as normal, within this not questioning how it is that I can go from one moment being here stable, to then suddenly my entire inner experience changing and being ‘taken over’ by the character which is activating, where I can see myself getting into a certain ‘mood’ and ‘stance’ within myself as to how I’m going to act/move/speak within playing the board game.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in such moment not consider how when the character activate and take over, that I am no longer here simply as myself, playing the board game and interacting with those around me, or even aware at all of my physical environment/surroundings, as I’ve literally become the embodiment of this board game character which takes up all my focus and attention, which is now focused on playing the game and maintaining a certain presentation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use board games as a distraction and form of ‘coping mechanism’ at family gatherings/occasions/holidays, as a distraction from my inner experience as how I was experiencing myself in the situation of being around other family members/the environment/situation, instead of investigating and questioning my inner reaction, but rather suppressing it, so I can continue ‘having a good time’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play long with the principles of the game as If I totally accept the principles the game is based upon, when really I am going along with it out of fear, of how others might react if I were to question it, that there might be conflict, that I’d be ‘spoiling the fun’.

To not want to ‘spoil the fun’ within this not realizing that if the fun can be ‘spoiled’ then it isn’t real fun anyway, as it’s not then simply enjoying myself as life here, but is a ‘fun’ that is dependent on certain conditions being just so, by maintaining a ‘presentation’ of ‘this is fun’ ‘I have no problem with this’. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that anything that apparently ‘can’t be questioned’ is immediately suspect, and this includes for example God’s Will, or LOVE, where these are not to be questioned but simply believed/participated in, for if they were to be questioned, they would not stand up to common sense, and be exposed as the source of extensive abuse and suffering, and those are the things we resist to question/investigate, because we know that then we will have to change as what we are participating in does not stand as common sense what is best for all, and thus obviously ought to be stopped as it cause harm and that is unacceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how who I am within my relationship toward board games is the same as our relationship as humanity to the ‘game’ of life, where the very same principles that I have accepted within board games are the same principles I have accepted to exist within the world at large.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I participate in the behavior of utilizing board games as a distraction from my experience, that I am in essence participating in the same behavior that we as humanity participate in as a whole, where we seek to avoid looking at/facing/investigating what is really going on within ourselves, utilizing various forms of distraction, and thus, within this, I am responsible for the existence of this point, which is manifested on the larger world scale as the various entertainment industries, and that the very size and amount of such industries really shows the extent to which we as humanity have avoided facing ourselves and reality, and spending much of our ‘spare time’ within entertainment as fantasy creations, rather than getting down to actual living in reality, settling for fantasies instead of if we face this reality and sort it out, creating a world that is fun to live in and where we can really move and express ourselves, within actual physical reality, instead of only living in a world of imagination, which is imaginary and not real in substance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the same principles that form the design of the typical board game, as where there is a winner and the rest losers, where only one ‘benefits’ while the rest are left out, even though all participated in the game, is the same design as the current money system, and that since the money system is the system which provides us with the support to live, this means that those that are in the losing position are actually losing life, as they are being deprived of the very necessities to live, and thus such a system is unacceptable as it lead to such suffering and abuse, and thus should be corrected, through correcting Capitalism to stand on the principles which it was intended to but has not been held to, which is to effectively support everyone equally.

I commit myself to use board games as self assistance to become aware of myself as the relationships I exist as within myself, by when about to or during playing a board game, to notice and investigate what comes up within me, as the thoughts feelings, emotions, back/internal conversations that come up, and where if I am not in an environment that is suitable for investigating myself right in that moment, then I flag point and take note of the points that come up for myself to investigate when I have an appropriate moment later on, where I can really look at the points that came up and take the time to write it out and apply the corrective application of self forgiveness and self corrective statements.

I commit myself to when and as I see memories come up when the subject of board games is brought up, to flag point them for investigation, as these memories show me the clues as to how/where/when/why I created this character, according to previous experiences where I went into reactions/feelings/emotions and integrated them as a behavioral pattern that I then live out as a preprogrammed automated system.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself about to/going into a ‘board game character’, to stop, breathe and ground myself here in physical reality, and to assist and support myself to not go into this character, and remain here stable as myself, as I realize that by going into this character, I am not actually here living, but for the moment become the embodiment of the board game character, where I then am essentially possessed by this character where all my behavior, mannerisms, tonalities, movements, the words I speak, are all from within/as this character, and not as myself simply here with nothing moving inside me, able to express myself in the moment.

I commit myself to doing what it takes to correcting the system of Capitalism to function according to the principles that it is supposed to, within supporting humanity effectively, so that we can sort out this reality finally and ensure that all life is cared for, so that we can actually have some real fun here in reality, and not be tempted to seek out forms of entertainment as distractions from our responsibilities here, while so many suffer as a result of neglecting our responsibility, and thus I commit myself to holding Capitalism to its own principles and its claims that it is an effective system, so that it actually will be an effective system, and not simply accept it the way it is, out of fearing conflict/change, as the price of avoiding our responsibility is paid in human lives a price that no one would volunteer to pay.

Related Articles:

Day 162: EQUAL MONEY CAPITALISM - The Way Forward

Day 259: Give Happiness, Get Happiness

Imagining Solutions vs. The Living Solution: DAY 258

The Game of Life – It’s all about YOU: Day 259

Day 258: Vampires in the Soul of Sacred Geometry - ADC - Part 105

Day 128: Validation Character: Fear Dimension (Part 2)

Self-Defeat by Andrew Gable

This post is a continuation to:

Day 108: Waiting to Value Myself

Day 109: Waiting for Approval – I Need You To Like Me: Thought Dimension
Day 110: Waiting for Approval: Thought Dimension: Practical Application
Day 111: Validation Character: Imagination Dimension
Day 112: Validation Character: Imagination Dimension: Self Forgiveness

Day 113: Validation Character: Imagination Dimension: Commitment Statements

Day 114: Validation Character: Backchat Dimension

Day 115: Validation Character: Backchat Dimension: Self Forgiveness

Day 116: Validation Character: Backchat Dimension: Self Commitment Statements

Day 117: Validation Character: Reaction Dimension (Part 1)

Day 118: Validation Character: Reaction Dimension (Part 2)

Day 119: Validation Character: Reaction Dimension (Part 3)

Day 120: Validation Character: Reaction Dimension (Part 4)

Day 121: Validation Character: Physical/Behavior Dimension (Part 1)

Day 122: Validation Character: Physical/Behavior Dimension (Part 2)

Day 123: Validation Character: Physical/Behavior Dimension (Part 3)

Day 124: Validation Character: Physical/Behavior Dimension (Part 4)

Day 125: Validation Character: Physical/Behavior Dimension (Part 5)

Day 126: Validation Character: Physical/Behavior Dimension (Part 6)

Day 127: Validation Character: Fear Dimension (Part 1)

In this post we’re continuing from the previous post in which I wrote out the Fear Dimension of the Validation Character, taking a look at what the fear is that came up in some experience in my past, that is the original reason I created/participated in this character in the first place, in trying to ‘protect’ myself from what it is I feared. So here now continuing with walking Self Forgiveness Statements on the Fear Dimension of the Validation Character:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as a child and until now, not understand my relationship toward meeting/interacting with others as since for the first few years of my life in this world I primarily only experienced my relationship to myself, and during that time formed a relationship toward what I experienced as ‘positive’ and thus when I was introduced to meeting/interacting with others, this did not fit in with my mind’s definition of a ‘positive’ experience as playing and having fun.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how as a child, I remember facing a moment of meeting/interacting with someone, and didn’t want to do it, because in my mind I pictured doing the things I usually did, things that I ‘chose’ to do cause as a child I was essentially ‘free’ to do what I ‘like’, like playing outside or riding my bike, and so in that moment of facing meeting/interacting with another, realized, then I ‘can’t go and do what I want’ if I have to be interacting with this person, and so would be missing out on what I usually am ‘free’ to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that since I’d come into this world and really only experienced my own personal reality, where I was ‘free’ to do what I like and play and have fun, with no introduction yet to my responsibility within interacting with others, that when I was introduced to it, and it was done so from within a starting point of ‘you have to do it’, ‘you have no choice’, that I then diverted my reaction towards the parent and getting mad at them for and blaming them for me not being free to do what I’d like, not realizing that the reaction I’m having toward them was in fact coming from within myself from the inner-conflict of me not yet understanding my responsibility in this world, because all I’d understood thus far was My Wants, which I was experienced as being taken away, and thus blaming the parent because they are the one ‘enforcing’ my responsibility, so basically a case of ‘shooting the messenger’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as a child, define the experience of meeting/interacting with another as ‘not fun’, as something I ‘don’t want to do’, and that in meeting/interacting with someone, means I’ll be ‘missing out’ on being able to do ‘what I want’ and being ‘free’ to choose to do so.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take into consideration that I do not exist here alone by myself, but that I exist here with many beings and that how I live in this world as my words and actions and my responsibilities will determine the nature of the relationships I’ll form with others, and so my future in this world. And thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider the consequences and responsibilities within effectively interacting with others here, but to only consider my own personal Wants.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I’d formed a relationship to Time, within having to meet/interact with someone, means that I can’t do what I’d like Now, and thus will have to Wait to get what I want, and so feeling like I am ‘missing out on something now’ where I could have been doing what I want/like Now, but since I have to have this interaction, I am missing out on the Experience/Fun I could have had.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I from my childhood til now still accept and allow myself to react in resistance toward meeting/interacting with others within this fear of me missing out and not getting to do what I want, and so have accepted and allowed this relationship to become a living condition as this Character/Personality that I use to justify me to get what I want and disregarding the consequences I’m creating in my world/relationships in not considering my responsibility here with all the other beings I exist here with.

We’ll go up to here for now, and continue in the next post with Self Forgiveness on the Fear Dimension.

Day 72: Self Forgiveness on the ‘I Don’t Want to Miss-Out’ Character

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in and exist as the character of ‘I Don’t Want to Miss-Out’, where I manipulate myself with a thought/belief where a though comes up as a picture of ‘what I’m going to miss’, where in a single moment an entire scenario flashes in my mind and I immediately believe in that picture-thought, and because I believe in that thought, all my actions are based on that thought as how I perceive reality to be, in spite of the actuality of reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in a picture in my mind, not realizing that it is only a picture, and thus has no actual relevance to reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the pictures that come up in my mind to such an extent that I immediately accept them as valid and then act according to them as if they are real in fact.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am actually just reacting and living according to pictures in my mind and not actual reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when seeing the picture in my mind of me participating in a scenario and ‘having such a good/amazing time’ to immediately believe that this picture will be the reality I will experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when seeing the picture in my mind of me being disappointed that I did not ‘act on an opportunity to do something awesome’ and ‘have an awesome experience’, to immediately believe this picture is valid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand how I manipulated myself with pictures in my mind, by utilizing pictures of scenarios/situations that I have defined as positive/negative in order to manipulate myself to take certain action/make certain choices based on fear of loss, wherein I fear that I am going to ‘lose’ what the positive picture is showing me as having a ‘good/exciting experience’ as the negative picture shows where I am ‘disappointed for ‘missing-out’ on the positive experience I ‘could have had’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in backchat/internal conversations within this not realizing that I was utilizing conversation with myself in my mind to manipulate myself and my very behavior as how I live and act and interact with others in my world and reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the backchat of ‘maybe I should go, as I don’t want to miss out’, within this reaffirming the perception/belief that I would be ‘missing-out’ on something, within this, feeling like I will actually lose a part of myself as if an experience would have made me who I am, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the experiences I have/had, when who I am is here as life which is not and not determined by or limited to a certain set of experiences to define it, as all experience is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the backchat of ‘I bet it’s going to be really fun’ within this trying to convince and talk myself into a certain course of action/behavior while ignoring the obvious fact that I don’t/can’t actually know what it’s going to be like/how I’ll actually experience myself, unless I am actually creating how I will experience myself, as then I’ll know that I will convince myself and make myself feel like I am having a good time and an exciting experience, despite the reality of the experience, so that I will feel justified in my thoughts and backchat, and so that I’ll never realize how I deceived and manipulated myself so that I may remain a slave to my thoughts forever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into emotion/feeling reactions of nervousness/anxiety in reaction to the fear of ‘missing-out’, within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I was creating these emotions/feelings within myself by creating friction towards this point of ‘Do I want to go or Don’t I? Should or shouldn’t I?, within this pulling myself back-and-forth between two polarity points, literally playing a game with myself at the expense of my human physical body generating these feelings/emotions of anxiety/deparation/nervousness/fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that the physical feelings I’d feel in my body were/are indicating to me what I am/was participating in and the consequences of such participation in thoughts as self manipulation and separation, wherein I’d experience feelings such as an anxiety and rush of adrenaline in accordance with the backchat of ‘I’ve got to make a move now before it’s too late and I miss the opportunity’ where I actually induce a state of ‘rushing’ within my human physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wreak havoc on my physical human body by participating in the thoughts/feelings/emotions associated with this character, and to ignore the stress I put on my human physical body within the obvious signs of what I actually feel within my body as I participate in this character, as tension in the shoulders/upper body, jitteriness, tiredness, adrenaline rush, even nausea, all indicating to me the abuse I am accepting and allowing as consequence in participating in and existing as the character of ‘I Don’t want to Miss-Out’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that in participating in and living as the character of ‘I Don’t want to Miss-Out’, that I am actually already missing-out, as I am busy in my mind in thoughts/backchat/feelings/emotions and thus I am anywhere but here actually living, and thus missing-out on life by being within my mind.