Day 108: Waiting to Value Myself

A pattern I’ve noticed myself playing out is one in which I am waiting for others to value me. Where, when I meet someone for the first time, I will wait within myself for some sort of initial reaction the person will have toward me, what they say, how they say it, how they move, how they look at me, if they pull a face, and from this will decide whether it seems like the person likes and respects me, or doesn’t like and respect me, and from here form an entire expectation of how this person is going to treat me, and how our interaction is going to go, whether it is going to be a ‘positive’ interaction, or not.

So what happens is I go into an observer mode where I’m busy observing the other person and how they are acting toward me, and then within this, taking my observations of how they act and forming ideas of what they must think of me, whether or not they like me, or will be nice/rude to me, basically taking everything they do/express personally as if it is a reaction to/toward me / something I’ve done/said /toward what I look like, etc. There is a really great interview on Eqafe that describes in detail this point very well – the point of taking things personally. Listen if you haven’t already, you can get it here: Life Review - The 'Taking this Personally' Victim

So from this initial ‘reaction to me’, which is rather my initial observation of the other person and what they’re doing, I take the observations personally, when I have actually in fact no idea why the person is acting the way they are and if it has anything to do with me at all. And even if they are reacting ‘toward me’, it still has nothing to do with me really, but they are reacting toward what I represent to them within their mind’s eye. This becomes clear when one observes one’s own reactions, one will find that it’s always a reaction that originates from oneself, from one’s own mind of preprogrammed automated reactions to/toward things in one’s reality/environment that one has accepted a judgment toward within oneself, and the person you’re reacting toward, was only the trigger point as they represented something to you that your mind has stored a certain reaction/response toward that you will then go into when you encounter someone that trigger that response. And thus a reaction is never actually ‘personal’, as it’s always based in an individual’s mind as the relationships of energy as judgment that one has formed and stored in one’s mind toward that which is here as the various forms/manifestations/scenarios/situations/events/people that exist.

So within this pattern/character, I ‘wait’ for the other to apparently decide if they’re going to like me or not, or to see how they’re going to react/act toward me, if they’re going to see me as ‘worthy’ of respect, and so within all this, what I’ve done is separate myself from ‘worth’ ‘respect’ ‘value’, where I'm waiting for another to value me, and what I’m actually saying is that I don’t value myself. That I see myself as not having value or worth in the first place, and that I must wait for another to act in such a way as I perceive that they value me, and all I can do is ‘hope’ they will like/value/respect me.

In the post to come we’ll take a look at the various Dimensions of the Waiting for Validation character, and how it is I’ve separated myself from ‘worth’ ‘value’ and ‘respect’, that I believe I can find it in another and can’t live it for myself. Suggest for context on Character Dimensions to read the following Heaven’s Journey to Life blog posts: 

Enhanced by Zemanta

1 comment:

  1. Anonymous10:33 PM

    thanks for sharing Kelly. I relate to this.