Day 72: Self Forgiveness on the ‘I Don’t Want to Miss-Out’ Character

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in and exist as the character of ‘I Don’t Want to Miss-Out’, where I manipulate myself with a thought/belief where a though comes up as a picture of ‘what I’m going to miss’, where in a single moment an entire scenario flashes in my mind and I immediately believe in that picture-thought, and because I believe in that thought, all my actions are based on that thought as how I perceive reality to be, in spite of the actuality of reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in a picture in my mind, not realizing that it is only a picture, and thus has no actual relevance to reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the pictures that come up in my mind to such an extent that I immediately accept them as valid and then act according to them as if they are real in fact.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am actually just reacting and living according to pictures in my mind and not actual reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when seeing the picture in my mind of me participating in a scenario and ‘having such a good/amazing time’ to immediately believe that this picture will be the reality I will experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when seeing the picture in my mind of me being disappointed that I did not ‘act on an opportunity to do something awesome’ and ‘have an awesome experience’, to immediately believe this picture is valid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand how I manipulated myself with pictures in my mind, by utilizing pictures of scenarios/situations that I have defined as positive/negative in order to manipulate myself to take certain action/make certain choices based on fear of loss, wherein I fear that I am going to ‘lose’ what the positive picture is showing me as having a ‘good/exciting experience’ as the negative picture shows where I am ‘disappointed for ‘missing-out’ on the positive experience I ‘could have had’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in backchat/internal conversations within this not realizing that I was utilizing conversation with myself in my mind to manipulate myself and my very behavior as how I live and act and interact with others in my world and reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the backchat of ‘maybe I should go, as I don’t want to miss out’, within this reaffirming the perception/belief that I would be ‘missing-out’ on something, within this, feeling like I will actually lose a part of myself as if an experience would have made me who I am, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the experiences I have/had, when who I am is here as life which is not and not determined by or limited to a certain set of experiences to define it, as all experience is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the backchat of ‘I bet it’s going to be really fun’ within this trying to convince and talk myself into a certain course of action/behavior while ignoring the obvious fact that I don’t/can’t actually know what it’s going to be like/how I’ll actually experience myself, unless I am actually creating how I will experience myself, as then I’ll know that I will convince myself and make myself feel like I am having a good time and an exciting experience, despite the reality of the experience, so that I will feel justified in my thoughts and backchat, and so that I’ll never realize how I deceived and manipulated myself so that I may remain a slave to my thoughts forever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into emotion/feeling reactions of nervousness/anxiety in reaction to the fear of ‘missing-out’, within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I was creating these emotions/feelings within myself by creating friction towards this point of ‘Do I want to go or Don’t I? Should or shouldn’t I?, within this pulling myself back-and-forth between two polarity points, literally playing a game with myself at the expense of my human physical body generating these feelings/emotions of anxiety/deparation/nervousness/fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that the physical feelings I’d feel in my body were/are indicating to me what I am/was participating in and the consequences of such participation in thoughts as self manipulation and separation, wherein I’d experience feelings such as an anxiety and rush of adrenaline in accordance with the backchat of ‘I’ve got to make a move now before it’s too late and I miss the opportunity’ where I actually induce a state of ‘rushing’ within my human physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wreak havoc on my physical human body by participating in the thoughts/feelings/emotions associated with this character, and to ignore the stress I put on my human physical body within the obvious signs of what I actually feel within my body as I participate in this character, as tension in the shoulders/upper body, jitteriness, tiredness, adrenaline rush, even nausea, all indicating to me the abuse I am accepting and allowing as consequence in participating in and existing as the character of ‘I Don’t want to Miss-Out’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that in participating in and living as the character of ‘I Don’t want to Miss-Out’, that I am actually already missing-out, as I am busy in my mind in thoughts/backchat/feelings/emotions and thus I am anywhere but here actually living, and thus missing-out on life by being within my mind.

Day 71: The ‘I Don’t Want to Miss-Out’ Character

We were woken up in the middle of the night- a neighbor’s field was on fire and the guys were being asked to go help put it out. So as a girl I was not being asked to go along. A picture, as a ‘negative’ thought, popped up in my mind where I stayed home, and they come back talking about how fun it was and then I’ll feel like I really missed out and be really disappointed that I didn’t go. And then the ‘positive’ thought came up of if I went along, and in the picture I was experiencing myself as having a fun and exciting time. So here is the initial negative thought, and the following positive thought that hooks you in to believing this perception of reality, accepting the thoughts as valid, where you’ll then act according to the thoughts.

So the moment after I had the trigger thought come up, I then experienced a strong urge to go with them, and the backchat was like ‘if I don’t go, I’m going to miss out on a fun time, a fun experience, and then I will regret it’. In this moment, because I have been assisting and supporting myself in getting an understanding of how character creation and activation works, I saw that this was a character that was being activated and I could see the thought that activated it, and that the thought is really only a thought and not reality, and thus that I was actually manipulating myself with a thought.

I experienced an anxiety and an urgency that in past experiences I have actually acted on in moments, where I felt like ‘oh man, if I don’t go do this I am really going to regret it, and I’m going to miss a great time, that I can have as a memory that I can add to my collection of memories that I hold onto as ‘who I am’ to feel like I ‘am somebody’ because I have apparently ‘lived’. When it only shows that who I am accepting myself to be is not life but is memories if I am busy holding onto memories and believing that my memories make me who I am, instead of being here actually living.

So then I would actually go and do the thing, whatever it was, just out of this fear of missing out, like for example going out clubbing with some friends, where when I would be invited to go out clubbing, or when the idea was proposed, I would picture myself there having such an awesome time, and I didn’t want to miss-out on that awesome time, so I would just immediately agree to go if I was able to. 

However, since the thought as the picture of me having a really good time there, was really only just a thought and not reality, reality did not always go as I had pictured it. What I really didn’t want to miss-out on was how I thought I would experience myself in such situation, it wasn’t the physical event that I actually cared about or wanted to have, but how I would feel, like that I would feel like I am ‘cool’ and ‘superior’. So when I’d actually be in the situation, I’d then be convincing myself in my backchat/internal conversations that ‘yeah, I am having a really great time, and man I feel so cool for being in this special place with this special music and special decorations all for me to be here and feel like I am special for being here. Not considering/realizing that it is all staged exactly for that purpose, to assist me in concocting an energetic experience within myself, and thus not an actual real experience, but a made-up one, just a fantasy in my mind.

So within this, the irony is that what it is that I fear to miss as the ‘I don’t want to miss-out’ character, is the experience as how I’ll feel, which I create myself anyway. I am the one that is creating the experience to apparently be something ‘special’ that I ‘don’t want to miss-out on’, and thus I am creating and trapping myself within my own polarity cycle of ‘I don’t want to miss out on the fun I’ll have there’ and then while I’m there, telling myself ‘Oh man, I am having so much fun’ as, I must be having so much fun, as I imagined I would, and I came here just for that purpose, because I believed that it would be fun, so now I must convince myself that it is, otherwise I will realize that there wasn’t anything really to miss-out on, and then won’t have this excuse to generate this energy and ‘fun-time’ experience.

Thus, within this not realizing that I am the one that created the belief that such event is going to be fun, and then become my own self-fulfilling prophecy within ‘making it’ be true by then hyping up the experience and convincing myself in my backchat/internal conversation that ‘I really am having so much fun, and so it really was worth it to go, as otherwise I would have missed-out on ‘all this’ as the experience that I’m having that I’m actually creating within myself, so that the next time the thought comes up, I will again immediately have the urge to go, and will act on it, and thus become an effective slave to my mind as a pattern cycling over and over again. Where, when I participate in this character, I am not even considering what I would actually like to do in the moment, and in fact, am not even able to consider what I like, as the energy of the desire to go takes over, and I get caught in the polarity game, of ‘Oh man, I should go or I might miss out on a really fun time, but well, maybe I don’t really want to go, maybe it won’t be that much fun and then I will regret going, so what do I do??’. 

As long as I am existing as this character, I will not be able to make an effective decisions as I won’t be able to see clearly what is actually practical to do in the moment, and what it is I’d actually like to do, in the context of being a physical being here and expressing myself. Thus, in the next post I’ll continue with the process of deconstructing this character and apply self forgiveness and corrective statements.