Humanity's Journey to Life: self worth

Showing posts with label self worth. Show all posts

Day 110: Waiting for Approval: Thought Dimension: Practical Application

Here I’ll walk the Practical Application of Self Forgiveness and Commitment Statements to assist and support with identifying when/as self is going into/activating this character, to instead take self responsibility and self direction to not give directive control over to a Thought, but to remain here stable as the breath as who I am, to in fact be living for real as a real being, and no longer participate in/be ‘subject’ to a pattern of behavior where I am not here as myself, but living in relation to a thought in my mind which isn’t real, and only serves the purpose to create conflict as friction within myself to, from that friction, generate energy for the mind to feed off of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop the habit of participating in this character of waiting for Validation/Approval, wherein I sabotage myself from realizing myself as and living as the whole, complete being that I am here that is not lacking in any ‘value’ or ‘worth’, but to at a single thought, accept and believe the idea/perception that I must seek/receive validation/worth/approval from others in how they react/act toward me, within this not considering how I am actually desiring for others to act a certain way toward me, and that I then within this character, gear my actions/behaviors toward trying to get/gain approval from another, which is actually me trying/attempting to manipulate another to act how I want/desire them to act, which is not how I’d like to be treated myself, as I would not actually like others to be attempting to manipulate me into the behavior that they believe/think they want/need/ me to act toward them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that in the moment that thought arise in my mind that I actually have a decision - to follow that thought and allow myself to be directed and controlled by a picture in my mind, or to remain here as myself and so be able to interact with another as myself as who I really am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow this one thought to take me into my mind where I completely compromise myself by allowing this thought to become the directive principle of me and thus rob myself of an opportunity to be here as myself, interacting with another being and actually getting to know another being, as I’m instead only interacting with/as a thought in my mind.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself have the thought/similar thought when facing meeting someone for the first time or interacting with another in general, wherein a picture comes up in my mind of another person not liking me and treating me in what I’ve defined as a ‘negative’ way and/or when and as a picture comes up in my mind of another liking me and treating me in what I’ve defined as a ‘positive’ way, I stop and breathe and stabilize myself here, and focus on myself here as the physical, physically here with another being. As I realize that to follow the thought will lead to me missing out on the opportunity to interact with another being as who they are here and as myself here and will become that thought to the extent that it will take over my very behaviors where all I exist as in that moment will be the point of seeking approval/validation from that person, and thus only feeding the mind while missing out on actual reality and actual living.

Day 108: Waiting to Value Myself

A pattern I’ve noticed myself playing out is one in which I am waiting for others to value me. Where, when I meet someone for the first time, I will wait within myself for some sort of initial reaction the person will have toward me, what they say, how they say it, how they move, how they look at me, if they pull a face, and from this will decide whether it seems like the person likes and respects me, or doesn’t like and respect me, and from here form an entire expectation of how this person is going to treat me, and how our interaction is going to go, whether it is going to be a ‘positive’ interaction, or not.

So what happens is I go into an observer mode where I’m busy observing the other person and how they are acting toward me, and then within this, taking my observations of how they act and forming ideas of what they must think of me, whether or not they like me, or will be nice/rude to me, basically taking everything they do/express personally as if it is a reaction to/toward me / something I’ve done/said /toward what I look like, etc. There is a really great interview on Eqafe that describes in detail this point very well – the point of taking things personally. Listen if you haven’t already, you can get it here: Life Review - The 'Taking this Personally' Victim

So from this initial ‘reaction to me’, which is rather my initial observation of the other person and what they’re doing, I take the observations personally, when I have actually in fact no idea why the person is acting the way they are and if it has anything to do with me at all. And even if they are reacting ‘toward me’, it still has nothing to do with me really, but they are reacting toward what I represent to them within their mind’s eye. This becomes clear when one observes one’s own reactions, one will find that it’s always a reaction that originates from oneself, from one’s own mind of preprogrammed automated reactions to/toward things in one’s reality/environment that one has accepted a judgment toward within oneself, and the person you’re reacting toward, was only the trigger point as they represented something to you that your mind has stored a certain reaction/response toward that you will then go into when you encounter someone that trigger that response. And thus a reaction is never actually ‘personal’, as it’s always based in an individual’s mind as the relationships of energy as judgment that one has formed and stored in one’s mind toward that which is here as the various forms/manifestations/scenarios/situations/events/people that exist.

So within this pattern/character, I ‘wait’ for the other to apparently decide if they’re going to like me or not, or to see how they’re going to react/act toward me, if they’re going to see me as ‘worthy’ of respect, and so within all this, what I’ve done is separate myself from ‘worth’ ‘respect’ ‘value’, where I'm waiting for another to value me, and what I’m actually saying is that I don’t value myself. That I see myself as not having value or worth in the first place, and that I must wait for another to act in such a way as I perceive that they value me, and all I can do is ‘hope’ they will like/value/respect me.

In the post to come we’ll take a look at the various Dimensions of the Waiting for Validation character, and how it is I’ve separated myself from ‘worth’ ‘value’ and ‘respect’, that I believe I can find it in another and can’t live it for myself. Suggest for context on Character Dimensions to read the following Heaven’s Journey to Life blog posts:

Character Dimensions - Introduction: DAY 162
Character Dimensions – Practical Application (Part 1): DAY 163
Character Dimensions – THOUGHT Dimension: DAY 164
Character Dimensions – IMAGINATION Dimension (Part 1): DAY 165
Character Dimensions – IMAGINATION Dimension (Part 2): DAY 166
Character Dimensions – BACKCHAT Dimension (Part 1): DAY 167

Character Dimensions – BACKCHAT Dimension (Part 2): DAY 168
Character Dimensions – BACKCHAT Dimension (Part 3): DAY 169

Day 101: I’m Waiting For Something… What Am I Waiting For??

Featured Artwork by Andrew Gable

Here’s a pattern that I’ve lived for practically my whole life, since when I was little, I was taught that the parent knows, the adult knows, and you don’t. So you have to wait to be told. Told that you’ve been a good girl/boy, that you’ve done well, that you’ve done right, that you’ve done wrong, that you’ve let them down, or made them proud. And through this, you learn to wait. To wait for someone else to validate you. As if you’re not valid in yourself already. As if we need someone or something or some kind of outside feedback from our world to tell us that we’re ok, we’re doing good, we’re an effective person, we’ve succeeded, and when we don’t get that feedback, we figure we’ve failed, we’re doing something wrong, we’re worthless, there’s something wrong with me.

I’ve noticed I’ve been living and existing as this pattern where I'm waiting for something else to validate me. Something/someone else to tell me I'm good, I've made it, I can do it, I have value. Not standing as self value, and realizing that I can already value me now. I don't have to wait for anything. There is nothing to wait for, because it's just a belief in the first place that I require something to validate me and that I'm not valid in myself already.

My very being has become waiting for someone to tell me its ok, or to stop judging me, or to tell me I'm doing it right, or to give me permission. Permission to value myself, permission to do something, permission to do what I’m doing, permission to do what I’ve done, permission to forgive myself and let go of my past, permission to live. Permission to direct myself and my world and reality. It has become my very being to such extent that the very words I speak are always containing the essence of the question ‘is this ok?’ ‘Do you accept this? What I’m doing? What I’m saying?’ And why am I asking this actually? Because I haven’t accepted it -myself-.

So I’m always waiting for someone/something in my world to tell me there is nothing wrong with me, or what I'm doing, when it's always me, that is judging me, that is thinking it's not ok, that is feeling like I don't have permission, that I'm doing things wrong, that I'm no good, that I'm not sincere/that I'm fake, that what I'm doing is inappropriate, annoying, stupid, weird, strange, bad, wrong.

I would wish for points to validate me, believing that that was the only way I could stop feeling like I’m not effective, like I don’t have value, like I’m not a failure. Like, ‘if only I could make more sales at my job, then I would ‘know’ I’m effective’. Or ‘when everyone I meet/speak to me is nice to me, then I know I’m doing something right’. Or if others will laugh at my jokes, if others will take me seriously, if others will compliment me and what I’m doing, if I make more money, if I feel more at ease and comfortable with myself…

And within this, it’s all Waiting. Waiting for something/someone outside myself, not considering/realizing that I am actually Waiting For Myself. That it is in fact myself, that is judging myself as a failure if no one laughs at my joke, judging myself as ineffective if I’m not taken seriously, feeling like I’m doing something wrong if someone is ‘not nice’ to me, and I’m the one who’s not being at ease and comfortable with myself, because I’m waiting for a reason to tell me that I can now feel comfortable with myself, waiting for some reason to tell me that I can let go of my past and stop living as the patterns I’ve always existed as, because I don’t need to ‘succeed’ to stop feeling like a failure. Because it’s just a feeling, that I imposed on myself, based on the parameters that I learned from the examples around me in my childhood, of what external factors/situations/events to judge oneself as a failure for. Like the idea that you’re a failure if you don’t make enough money. Or if you don’t go to college. Or if others don’t ‘like’ you. We learn to create an experience within and toward ourselves based on these and other various points, and so we effectively become victims to our environment and the people we interact with and the situations we find ourselves in, instead of being a directive principle within our world and reality, waiting for our reality to define us/value us/determine who we are. Which is not Living. It’s Waiting. And Wasting one’s life within reasons/justifications/excuses why you can’t value yourself now, why you must wait for permission from ‘somewhere else’ – Where?? Who can give you permission to Live but Yourself?

Who is going to Value me if I don’t even Value myself? How can I expect another to do that which I’m not even doing myself? So what am I Waiting for? MYSELF. To stop Devaluing myself, to stop Judging myself, I am Waiting for Myself to STOP WAITING and to Give Myself Permission to Live, to Stop the Cycles of Waiting for something else to validate me, and realize that I am Here as Life that requires no validation, as I am simply Here, everything else is stuff we made up to keep us trapped in Forever Waiting and Never Living. So Are You Waiting and What Are You Waiting For?

This is what the process of Self Realization through Self Writing, Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Application is here for, that you can see being walked in the Journey to Life blogs – to assist and support oneself to Stop Waiting and stand up as the Directive Principle in one’s life, to release self of the patterns of the past that keep us trapped in cycles of limitation, so we can actually Transform Ourselves into Real Living Beings and be Life Here, Self Directed, Self Moving, and actually Evolve.

Self Forgiveness on Waiting to come in the post to follow.