 |
| Featured Artwork by Andrew Gable |
Here’s a pattern that I’ve lived for practically my whole life, since when I was little, I was taught that the parent knows, the adult knows, and you don’t. So you have to wait to be told. Told that you’ve been a good girl/boy, that you’ve done well, that you’ve done right, that you’ve done wrong, that you’ve let them down, or made them proud. And through this, you learn to wait. To wait for someone else to validate you. As if you’re not valid in yourself already. As if we need someone or something or some kind of outside feedback from our world to tell us that we’re ok, we’re doing good, we’re an effective person, we’ve succeeded, and when we don’t get that feedback, we figure we’ve failed, we’re doing something wrong, we’re worthless, there’s something wrong with me.
I’ve noticed I’ve been living and existing as this pattern where I'm waiting for something else to validate me. Something/someone else to tell me I'm good, I've made it, I can do it, I have value. Not standing as self value, and realizing that I can already value me now. I don't have to wait for anything. There is nothing to wait for, because it's just a belief in the first place that I require something to validate me and that I'm not valid in myself already.
My very being has become waiting for someone to tell me its ok, or to stop judging me, or to tell me I'm doing it right, or to give me permission. Permission to value myself, permission to do something, permission to do what I’m doing, permission to do what I’ve done, permission to forgive myself and let go of my past, permission to live. Permission to direct myself and my world and reality. It has become my very being to such extent that the very words I speak are always containing the essence of the question ‘is this ok?’ ‘Do you accept this? What I’m doing? What I’m saying?’ And why am I asking this actually? Because I haven’t accepted it -myself-.
So I’m always waiting for someone/something in my world to tell me there is nothing wrong with me, or what I'm doing, when it's always me, that is judging me, that is thinking it's not ok, that is feeling like I don't have permission, that I'm doing things wrong, that I'm no good, that I'm not sincere/that I'm fake, that what I'm doing is inappropriate, annoying, stupid, weird, strange, bad, wrong.
I would wish for points to validate me, believing that that was the only way I could stop feeling like I’m not effective, like I don’t have value, like I’m not a failure. Like, ‘if only I could make more sales at my job, then I would ‘know’ I’m effective’. Or ‘when everyone I meet/speak to me is nice to me, then I know I’m doing something right’. Or if others will laugh at my jokes, if others will take me seriously, if others will compliment me and what I’m doing, if I make more money, if I feel more at ease and comfortable with myself…
And within this, it’s all Waiting. Waiting for something/someone outside myself, not considering/realizing that I am actually Waiting For Myself. That it is in fact myself, that is judging myself as a failure if no one laughs at my joke, judging myself as ineffective if I’m not taken seriously, feeling like I’m doing something wrong if someone is ‘not nice’ to me, and I’m the one who’s not being at ease and comfortable with myself, because I’m waiting for a reason to tell me that I can now feel comfortable with myself, waiting for some reason to tell me that I can let go of my past and stop living as the patterns I’ve always existed as, because I don’t need to ‘succeed’ to stop feeling like a failure. Because it’s just a feeling, that I imposed on myself, based on the parameters that I learned from the examples around me in my childhood, of what external factors/situations/events to judge oneself as a failure for. Like the idea that you’re a failure if you don’t make enough money. Or if you don’t go to college. Or if others don’t ‘like’ you. We learn to create an experience within and toward ourselves based on these and other various points, and so we effectively become victims to our environment and the people we interact with and the situations we find ourselves in, instead of being a directive principle within our world and reality, waiting for our reality to define us/value us/determine who we are. Which is not Living. It’s Waiting. And Wasting one’s life within reasons/justifications/excuses why you can’t value yourself now, why you must wait for permission from ‘somewhere else’ – Where?? Who can give you permission to Live but Yourself?
Who is going to Value me if I don’t even Value myself? How can I expect another to do that which I’m not even doing myself? So what am I Waiting for? MYSELF. To stop Devaluing myself, to stop Judging myself, I am Waiting for Myself to STOP WAITING and to Give Myself Permission to Live, to Stop the Cycles of Waiting for something else to validate me, and realize that I am Here as Life that requires no validation, as I am simply Here, everything else is stuff we made up to keep us trapped in Forever Waiting and Never Living. So Are You Waiting and What Are You Waiting For?
This is what the process of Self Realization through Self Writing, Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Application is here for, that you can see being walked in the Journey to Life blogs – to assist and support oneself to Stop Waiting and stand up as the Directive Principle in one’s life, to release self of the patterns of the past that keep us trapped in cycles of limitation, so we can actually Transform Ourselves into Real Living Beings and be Life Here, Self Directed, Self Moving, and actually Evolve.
Self Forgiveness on Waiting to come in the post to follow.
i can relate to that ... thanks Kelly!
ReplyDelete