Day 102: Self Forgiveness on WAITING
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as the pattern of always Waiting for my external world and environment to change so that I can then change, not realizing that this puts me in a position where I am dependent on/victim to my environment, as I’m allowing my environment/relationships/situations that come up in my life to determine how I’m going to experience myself and thus essentially who I am and how I act/react/behave/feel/think/live, where then I am existing as a robot that is programmed to have specific reactions to specific triggers in my world and reality, within this there is obviously no self direction, self will, self movement, and real living but only pre-programmed automated responses.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that as long as I am Waiting for something else to change, in order for me to change, that I’m putting myself and who I am and how I experience myself at the whim of my world and reality, within this giving up any ability I have to direct my world and reality, and essentially allow myself to be a rag doll tossed about from one experience to the next on a rollercoaster of emotion/feeling reactions, which totally distract me from living, from life here, where I waste my life away in fabricated and preprogrammed feeling experiences that are produced within my physical body at the expense of the physical body, as the resources of the physical body are used up to generate the feeling/emotion experiences, thus I am essentially a vampire to myself, feeding off of the flesh of my own human physical body, to feed the mind, instead of living in oneness and equality with/as my human physical body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to completely take for granted that I am actually the creator of what I experience within myself, as it is me within my mind who decided that would allow myself to react in certain ways to certain triggers, and thus I am actually able to un-create the patterns I’ve programmed myself as, and do not have to ‘WAIT’ for the triggers themselves to change/stop in order for me to be able to change/stop how I’m experiencing myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how the belief that how I’m experiencing myself is due to things outside of myself is what put me into a Perpetual Position of Waiting, since as long as I am believing it is something outside/separate from me that I require to be a certain way or to change in order for me to stop experiencing what I’m experiencing, then I am ‘stuck’ within what I am experiencing and not even considering that I could in fact stop participating in the experience, regardless of what is happening outside in my world/situation/reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I’ve been existing as a pattern which I learned when I was very little, wherein I had to Wait to be told what to do, or if I had done ‘good’, or what I was ‘allowed to do’, and that this pattern is no longer relevant as I am now an adult myself and no longer a small child with no way to provide for my own survival and thus at the total whim of much larger adults who hold my survival and wellbeing in their hands.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that the belief that I am not good enough, or there is something wrong with me, or what I’m doing is inappropriate, or that I’m a failure, is all me placing a dependency on my external environment and the external factors in my life, to determine who/what/how I am, and thus I can only WAIT for my world to change, before my experience of myself will change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I created who I am, then the only thing I am Waiting for in order to Change, is MYSELF. Waiting for Myself to stop needing a reason before I will change, Waiting for Myself to stop depending on my world/environment/relationships/events to change before I can change, Waiting for Myself to stop WAITING and to realize there Is Nothing to Wait For and to Actually Change.