Day 102: Self Forgiveness on WAITING

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as the pattern of always Waiting for my external world and environment to change so that I can then change, not realizing that this puts me in a position where I am dependent on/victim to my environment, as I’m allowing my environment/relationships/situations that come up in my life to determine how I’m going to experience myself and thus essentially who I am and how I act/react/behave/feel/think/live, where then I am existing as a robot that is programmed to have specific reactions to specific triggers in my world and reality, within this there is obviously no self direction, self will, self movement, and real living but only pre-programmed automated responses.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that as long as I am Waiting for something else to change, in order for me to change, that I’m putting myself and who I am and how I experience myself at the whim of my world and reality, within this giving up any ability I have to direct my world and reality, and essentially allow myself to be a rag doll tossed about from one experience to the next on a rollercoaster of emotion/feeling reactions, which totally distract me from living, from life here, where I waste my life away in fabricated and preprogrammed feeling experiences that are produced within my physical body at the expense of the physical body, as the resources of the physical body are used up to generate the feeling/emotion experiences, thus I am essentially a vampire to myself, feeding off of the flesh of my own human physical body, to feed the mind, instead of living in oneness and equality with/as my human physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to completely take for granted that I am actually the creator of what I experience within myself, as it is me within my mind who decided that would allow myself to react in certain ways to certain triggers, and thus I am actually able to un-create the patterns I’ve programmed myself as, and do not have to ‘WAIT’ for the triggers themselves to change/stop in order for me to be able to change/stop how I’m experiencing myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how the belief that how I’m experiencing myself is due to things outside of myself is what put me into a Perpetual Position of Waiting, since as long as I am believing it is something outside/separate from me that I require to be a certain way or to change in order for me to stop experiencing what I’m experiencing, then I am ‘stuck’ within what I am experiencing and not even considering that I could in fact stop participating in the experience, regardless of what is happening outside in my world/situation/reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I’ve been existing as a pattern which I learned when I was very little, wherein I had to Wait to be told what to do, or if I had done ‘good’, or what I was ‘allowed to do’, and that this pattern is no longer relevant as I am now an adult myself and no longer a small child with no way to provide for my own survival and thus at the total whim of much larger adults who hold my survival and wellbeing in their hands.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that the belief that I am not good enough, or there is something wrong with me, or what I’m doing is inappropriate, or that I’m a failure, is all me placing a dependency on my external environment and the external factors in my life, to determine who/what/how I am, and thus I can only WAIT for my world to change, before my experience of myself will change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I created who I am, then the only thing I am Waiting for in order to Change, is MYSELF. Waiting for Myself to stop needing a reason before I will change, Waiting for Myself to stop depending on my world/environment/relationships/events to change before I can change, Waiting for Myself to stop WAITING and to realize there Is Nothing to Wait For and to Actually Change.

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Day 85: Commitment Statements on the “There’s Nothing Wrong with That” Character

Featured Art by Matti Freeman

 

I commit myself to be/become aware of when I go into/utilize a character as a defense mechanism to avoid investigating myself and the relationships I’m living as toward a particular form/manifestation/circumstance/situation/event/scenario/being, so that I can stop sabotaging myself within avoiding myself and instead face myself and get to know myself and be/become a real self-willed, self-directed individual.

I commit myself to realizing that all judgment is actually self judgment, is actually me participating in judgment within/as myself, and as I cannot stop or do anything about judgment that another may be participating in, then obviously the only way/place in which I can take self responsibility to make a change/stop/end judgment, is within myself, in changing myself and stopping the judgment within myself. Within this, I commit myself to realize that if I have not first stopped judgment within myself, then I can in no way be absolutely certain that I am seeing judgment in another, as I have not even first got effective in identifying it within myself to the point where no judgment remains.

I commit myself to not consider that I’ll deliberately create perceptions of others/my reality, in order to experience myself a certain way and to determine how I’ll respond/who I’ll be/how I’ll act toward others/my reality, and thus within this, using perception as a tool with which to manipulate myself, so that I will act a certain way/feel a certain way, where I am in other words, ‘seeing what I want to see’, in order to justify certain actions/behaviors/characters that I’ll play out, in the belief that that is who/how I want to be, as it’s how I’ve learned to be and accept myself as.

I commit myself to realizing that the relationships I’ve formed toward what is here in separation and judgment of what is here, are not who I am, as who I am is not relationships of stored information, but who I am is here as life, and thus I commit myself to investigate and identify all the relationships I exist as that I’ve allowed to exist within me, to become aware of the consequences of such relationships, and to stop living as these relationships, so that I can actually live here as myself as life, as breath that is simply here and silent within, not moved by anything in separation of/from myself, but moving myself in consideration of all life/existence.

I commit myself to be/become aware of everything I am creating within/through my participation, in order to ensure that I am not forming characters and behaviors to be automated in separation of myself, but to be aware of exactly how I create myself and what I create myself as so that I create myself in such a way that I live as/according to what is best for all life in each and every moment, in each and every decision I make, and thus change myself and my application from deliberately avoiding myself, to deliberately facing myself to get to know myself completely, so that there can be no parts of me that act in separation from myself that have ‘control’ of me behavior and influence me to make decisions that are not best for all life.

I commit myself to realizing that self investigation and taking self responsibility are the keys to expanding myself into my true potential and really being able to be/become a force in this world that can make a difference, and thus I commit myself to investigating myself and taking self responsibility to so that I can expand myself and in so doing, expand all of existence, one and equal, through standing as an example to others of how they can assist and support themselves to expand as well.

I commit myself to realizing that characters are made-up, and thus can’t possibly be who I really am, as the character is able to be deleted/disappear, and yet I am still here, thus showing that the character is simply a personality suit that we put on for a moment, and can take it off and switch it for another, proving that who we are is not characters, and that we thus do not have to live as the characters we’ve been living as without question, and thus we can take self responsibility to ensure that the characters we live as is that which stand for a better life for all life equally.

I commit myself to stop the harm I cause to my human physical body by participating in this character where I experience within/as my physical body tension and stiffening, and to realize that if/when I experience these physical reactions within my body, indicates that I am not here as myself, but am participating in the mind in separation of myself, and thus I stop, breathe, and bring myself ‘back here’, back to reality as myself as the physical flesh that is here simply living and breathing and not in my mind as judgments/perceptions/beliefs/emotions/feelings/thoughts that take a toll on the physical when we participate in such experiences.

I commit myself to clearing up all the relationships I exist as, to ensure that who I am as who I live as, is relevant to actual reality, and that I’m not ‘removing myself’ from reality through creating alternate realities in my mind, and then acting/living according to those alternate realities, so that I can ensure that who I am is relevant to actual reality, and that I’m not simply believing whatever the mind presents, and then staying within this bubble of perception and ultimately limitation, but rather to assist and support myself to get to know myself and my world as this physical reality, so that I can expand to my utmost ability here in actual reality.

Day 48 - Living as Character = Self Sabotage

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that me living as a character, indicates that I am living in and as self judgment, as I am stating/have decided that I do not like who I am, and thus have created a fictional character that I can try to be and cover up who I really am with, in order to not face/see who I really am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I always see/know who I really am, as I am always here and I am creating myself, and thus I can only pretend to myself that I do not see who I really am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as who I am here, and thus wanting to hide who I really am from myself, within trying/attempting to live as a made-up character, in order to avoid facing who I really am, because I judge who I really am, and thus I am fearing and hiding from my own judgment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I do not want to face who I really am here, because I judge myself, and thus I am creating my own fear of facing myself by participating in judging myself for who/what I am/live as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider the obvious solution - to stop judging myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that if I stop judging myself, then I can get busy changing/correcting myself where I require correction within what I am able to change, and stop sabotaging and abusing myself through creating an experience within myself toward that which I cannot change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I used self judgment as a way of not changing, wherein I allowed myself to just ‘feel bad’ about some aspect of myself, so that I could say ‘at least I am ‘doing’ something’ by feeling bad as judging myself, when obviously judging myself and feeling bad about it is not really actually ‘doing anything’ to change myself/my situation, and thus through this self deception I simply sabotaged and abused myself and my physical body, through participating in experiences and feelings as a result of my participation in self judgment, and making en excuse to stay as I am and not change myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by participating in a character I am actually trapping myself within it, because I’m not then getting to know myself so I can see/understand/realize how I’ve created myself, to stand equal to my creation as who/what I’ve become, to then have the ability to create myself in self awareness, but instead not focusing on myself at all, but focusing on creating/generating this fake illusory character, and putting my time and effort into building this character, and my belief of this character, and designing my words and actions as to how I think someone of this particular character will speak, move, look, act, dress, walk, etc.

I commit myself to realizing that self judgment is a trap which when I participate in it I do not want to face that which I judge, and since I am judging that aspect of myself rather than correcting it, I will then rather create a character in which I can ‘feel like’ I am who/how I’d like to be, instead of actually walking the correction and change and creation of myself of/as who I’d like to be.

I commit myself to giving myself the gift of crating myself in awareness as a being that does not allow self abuse or any form of abuse, by stopping all judgment, and stopping all characters, so that I am actually faced with who I am and what I am living as, and through my process of self investigation, self realization and self expansion, through self writing and self forgiveness and commitment to correction, be and become the being that I have always wanted to be in self honesty, which is a being that stands for life within the realization that all life here is me.

I commit myself to investigating myself and becoming aware of every character that I have created and lived as, to deconstruct each and every character, so that I can live as an actual real being here, not an illusion in my mind that I seek to have others validate as real.