Day 62: The 'It's Not Fair!' Character

Having a look at the ‘It’s Not Fair!’ Character-

When I participate in this character is where I’m actually scheming for myself in my own self interest. It comes up where I’ve decided that I don’t want to do whatever it is that I’m faced to do, and so my mind starts coming up with excuses as to why I don’t/shouldn’t have to do it.

The thought patterns specific to this character will be where your mind places what you’re about to do as a negative, which you then want to avoid, and there will always be a positive, to then hook you in to the mind’s interpretation of the situation. So, for example what I noticed in investigating myself is when I would see someone leaving work early, is there is an immediate thought wherein you have accepted ‘working’ as negative, and thus when you see someone else not having to work anymore, a picture of myself not having to work anymore comes up, which I’ve defined within my mind as positive.

Now my behavior becomes controlled by these judgments within my mind as what is positive/negative, where I will now attempt/try to seek out/achieve the positive, and avoid the negative. Thus within this, I’ve become a slave to this negative/positive thought pattern, and now my behavior will be controlled and directed by/within my mind from within this superimposed perspective of seeing what is here as negative/positive. Thus, I’m then not free to do what is here to be done in the moment, and act in a way which will lead to a more effective reality for myself and for everyone, as I’m busy within an illusion of self interest, wherein the mind has decided for me, what it is I want/don’t want to do. And what I’ve noticed, within this, is that the mind will always decide that I don’t want to do that which will actually expand me into my world and reality, but rather will support that which will keep me limited and diminished and having no tangible effect on this reality, on the whole or in my immediate environment.

The specific internal backchats/conversations that I’d participate in within my mind as the Character of ‘It’s Not Fair’ always involves comparison – ‘they got to do this so why don’t I’, and keeping score, ‘well I did the laundry, but then they mowed the lawn, but I mopped the floor, but they washed the dishes, but I..’ ‘Wait why do they get to go early? I want to go early too’ – so what I hadn’t realized is that I’m actually saying that ‘they’ shouldn’t get what it is that I also want – which is the same as saying that I can’t have it either, because I am saying that one shouldn’t leave early, yet for example, say there is something they must go take care of, so what happens then when I find myself in the same situation, where there is something I must go take care of, but because I said that no one must leave early, now I can’t leave early either, when it would actually be a benefit to me and thus I have robbed myself of the ability and freedom to do what is practical in the moment because of an idea I had about fairness, wherein I looked at another being, and saw ‘hey why are they getting something different than me’, because I did not happen to be in that situation in that moment, it was happening to ‘someone else’ and thus I separated myself from the other being and from the situation, and instead of considering what would be best to do/have happen if I were on the side of the situation they were on. Thus, within wanting to leave work early without an actual necessity or practical reason, I am now trying to actually manipulate for self interest, and not what is actually practical in the moment, so actually I are the one that is trying to ‘take advantage’ of the situation, by saying ‘hey look what they are getting, I want that too’, when I don’t actually need that in the moment, it is exactly like seeing someone eating a candy bar and now I want to eat one too, when I wasn’t even thinking about it before I saw them eating a candy bar, so did I really want it, or was the desire triggered by a picture, and thus not actually real, not me as the physical saying I’d like a candy bar now, but me as a mind triggered response to a picture.

Thus what I’ve realized is that by participating in this character, I am actually accepting self limitation, within accepting the mind’s judgments that ‘this is not what I want to do’, and thus limiting what it is that I do in this world. And accepting myself as a slave to my mind’s control, wherein I am not practically evaluating a situation and what is necessary and most effective to be done, because if that were the case, then the idea of wanting to leave work early would not have come only as a reaction to seeing another leave early, but would have been relevant to what needs to be done in reality.

Within this not seeing the underlying judgment, which is that ‘work is negative’, rather than realizing that ‘work’ is simply myself expressing myself as a physical being in this reality in doing physical actions to understand how it is possible to manifest and shape what is here as myself as substance, to expand myself as/within my world and reality and to actually for once ‘evolve’ as humanity to discover what we are truly capable of in this physical reality, and thus any resistance to moving myself and taking action in this world is a lie and is not who I am but is the mind attempting to keep me enslaved.

I commit myself to investigating my relationship of separation that I’ve developed toward ‘work/working’ wherein I have defined it as something ‘negative/I don’t want to do’, so that I can then redefine my relationship toward ‘working’ into self expression as myself performing actions in the physical and to ensure that I stop any and all resistance toward actually expanding myself into and as this physical reality, to no longer be a slave to mind accepting and allowing myself to participate in self limitation for apparent self interest, when it actually only serves the interest of the mind, where I am the mind’s slave to never realize myself as the physical but continue existing only to generate energy for the mind by forming relationship of positive/negative to what is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not place myself on the ‘other’s’ side of the equation, to realize that what I am accepting/allowing/creating for another, I also am creating for myself if I were to find myself in that position.

I commit myself to always put myself on all sides of the equation in every situation, as the actual key to make sure that the decisions I make are that which stand for what is best for all no matter what position one find themselves in, which means that I have also ensured that I as an individual will also always be in the best position possible, as I have made sure that the only positions that exist are those that are best, within actually considering all equally as myself and not accepting and allowing abuse to exist anywhere.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my mind’s interpretations of what is here as positive/negative is real and valid, not realizing the actual purpose such judgments serves, to keep me mind controlled so that I will accept, justify and defend self limitation, at the expense of my own life and expansion, and of all of existence within not standing up to live to my fullest potential, and thus not living a satisfying life for myself, or doing my part as my response-ability as I am here, to grow and expand this reality as one and equal with/to myself.

I commit myself to realizing that positive/negative judgment is a trap which when I accept these judgments as valid, I accept self limitation, that keeps me from growing and expanding, and that I am thus responsible for the current state of reality and humanity as I have accepted and allowed limitation in myself and stood as the example for all others that the judgments of the mind are valid and thus I have supported all to accept self limitations and thus I am responsible for humanity current limited state.

Thus, I commit myself to show that participation in thoughts is to accept self enslavement to the mind and to accept oneself to be limited in one’s participation in reality and in one’s life, and that it is through all of us living as the judgments of the mind that we manifest the world as it is as a world of limitation and suffering.

Day 37 – Possessed by Sex

Here in this blog I’ll be walking through an experience of possession I’ve had – where I became possessed by the want/need/desire for sex – wherein I was possessed by and through my mind to the point where I was not in control of my actions – a very unsettling experience but at the time I had no way to support myself out of it and became thus a victim of consequential outflow. I had no understanding or awareness of how the possession was created, and that I was in fact creating it myself. And thus I actually possessed myself. 

How the possession happened was over an accumulation over time, where I built up an addiction to energy that I would get through having certain experiences, in this case – sex – wherein sex was not simply the physical act of two coming together and expressing themselves as physical beings in comfort with one another, but I, through my mind, made sex something ‘more’, according to how I had learned to view/perceive sex as how I’d learned from the examples of others in my world and reality, where sex is ‘glorified’ as if it is the highest and sole purpose for one to attain to in one’s life here, and you see this reflected practically everywhere you turn in the media, on television and movies, in magazines, etc, and thus there’s many points in one’s reality that promulgate this relationship toward sex. 

Within creating this relationship of separation toward sex, one separate oneself from sex within making it something ‘more’ and through this separation, generate friction as energy, and thus one has an energetic experience around/toward sex, where you can actually feel the energetic reaction within your human physical body, as this sort of rush of energy within the body, at even just a thought or picture having to do with sex.

So what happened was that I would participate in thoughts toward sex more and more where I’d go into backchat like ‘oh man, I really want to have sex’ and ‘I would really love to be having sex right now’ and the thoughts/backchat would become more and more ‘intense’, in order to continue building the suspense and desire toward having sex, so here I would generate an entire experience around the thought/desire to have sex, when no actual physical activity as sex was even taking place meaning I wasn’t actually physically experiencing sex, either as masturbation with myself or sex with another being, while having these thoughts and backchat, but was creating an entire energetic experience through the participation in the thoughts and backchat, just based on the idea of the act of sex.

What I did not realize/understand at the time was that I was actually developing and encouraging an addiction to the energy that I was generating through the participation in thoughts of sex. I didn’t realize the consequence of my participation in the thoughts and backchat and the relationship of addiction to energy that I was creating, until I was actually experiencing the consequences first hand, which was that my very behavior around others was completely controlled and directed by this addiction I had developed, wherein every move I made, every gesture, every word I spoke, I did so from within the starting point of trying to fulfill this desire/addiction. 

How I experienced this desire/addiction was like an ‘empty’ feeling within myself and an ‘aching’/longing feeling, as if I was missing something of myself that I needed desperately to feel and would not, could not feel satisfied without. But, what I did not realize at the time was that I was actually creating that feeling of emptiness that ‘required filling’ within myself, in the first place. As the energetic experiences I was generating within myself based on the thoughts of sex were created by utilizing the physical substance of the human body to generate the energy I experienced through chemical reactions, I was thus depleting the body of it’s resources, and thus actually manifesting a physical depletion of and within myself as my human physical body. I could actually feel the discomfort that the longing and desire for sex was causing to my body, but in the belief that the desire was ‘real’, I did not stop participation in the thoughts and backchat, as I had become addicted to that energetic experience and did not want to stop, and thus did not allow myself to consider the possible consequences that I was causing to myself as my human physical body.

So, whether I was in a relationship with another being or not, this addiction drove and controlled my behavior, where when I was not in a relationship, whenever I’d be around another being, I’d immediately assess them according to whether they were a potential sex-partner or not – and if it seemed there was a possibility, I would immediately go into the mode of now trying to find a way to manifest us coming together somehow with the end result of having sex, even if that meant having to take time to develop a relationship which could take weeks or months, I was already looking at and planning it out in my mind and measuring/weighing the potential that my interaction with a particular individual might lead to having sex. Then, within this mode, my behavior as what I said, how I moved, how I walked, what kind of mannerisms I used – everything was geared toward the goal of eventually getting to have sex.

When/if I was already in a relationship with another being, I was still possessed by the addiction/desire for sex, wherein the want/need/desire for sex would control my very behavior with my partner, wherein I would apply practically the same techniques in order to ‘seduce’ my partner into having sex with me, wherein when I was experiencing this want/need/desire for sex, it would literally ‘take me over’ and I would become possessed, and the only thing occupying my mind was the want/need/desire for sex, and thus within this possession I was literally existing as only this one singular point, and thus not really existing at all, as I was not here as myself, but was living as this desire, as a slave to the addiction to energy.

No matter how much sex I did get, it was never enough, as it was the energetic experience I was creating toward/around sex that I was actually addicted to, and since energy is not constant, you constantly crave more and more, so this addiction built and built til it really got out of hand, and it felt like this desire for sex was consuming my life, where the thoughts and backchat that I had been participating in and giving permission to time and time again, would simply runamok, and I started to become quite disturbed by just how much this point of possession had taken over my life. The desire and thoughts for sex became a constant distraction where I it would get in the way of focusing on doing anything else and I wondered what am I living for? As I certainly wasn’t living for myself, but was living for this desire which I could see had no end in sight.

It wasn’t until I started walking with Desteni in a process of self investigation of my thoughts, feelings, and emotions in investigating and really getting to know and become aware of what I participate in within my mind, and the consequences that I manifest through that participation, that I realized that I was the actual cause of the addiction in the first place. And it’s through the tools presented of self-writing wherein you write out what goes on within you to get an actual clear picture of what goes on in yourself, and then taking responsibility for what you allow within yourself, so that you can then apply corrective action to change yourself, that I have actually been able to stop the addiction to energy that I utilized thoughts toward sex to generate, and have literally ‘taken myself back’ from where I gave myself away to these thoughts and backchat, and giving myself the gift of life, to live as a self-directed individual no more enslaved to my mind and my thoughts. 

Within stopping this addiction, I have actually given myself the gift of actually experiencing sex for real, as when I was possessed by the addiction, my focus was on the energy and generating the energy, and thus I was actually missing out on the real actual physical experience of sex, as I was always busy in mind in thoughts, generating the energetic experience toward sex. So now I have given myself the gift of being able to develop actual sexual expression in and as the physical. To develop an actual real relationship with another being that is not based on using and manipulating the other for energy, but is based on developing our expression in oneness and equality and taking ourselves to the fullest potential as physical beings, which leads to real satisfaction.

So now I will share some self forgiveness and self commitment in regard to stopping self and taking self back from addiction to assist and support self to release self from energy addiction toward sex-

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a relationship toward sex, separating myself from sex, and within that separation generating friction as energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts and backchat of wanting/needing/desiring to have sex, not realizing that the want/need/desire has nothing to do with the actual physical act of sex, and is only an energetic experience I am creating within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the energy which I create through participation in thoughts and backchat toward sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider the consequence of participating in thoughts and backchat toward want/need/desire for sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that within being addicted to the energy that I generate to/toward sex, that I am not actually experiencing sex, but energy that I am creating within my human physical body, that utilize the resources of the human physical body, and thus I am not experiencing the actual physical act itself, and actually depleting my human physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that if I am living as a want/need/desire, that I am then not living as myself, and am thus wasting my time here in this life as a slave to an addiction where I am living for and as that addiction, rather than living here as myself as a being able to express myself and grow and expand myself to my fullest potential, which I am not able to do when my mind is constantly consumed with thoughts of sex and how to get sex.

I commit myself to investigating myself as my mind and seeing what I am participating in as thoughts and backchat, so that I can take self responsibility to stop and apply corrective action so that I can take back self direction from where I have given it away to my mind within addiction, so that I can actually be here and live life as myself.

I commit myself to walking the process of getting to know myself so that I can walk as who I am in awareness and not as a slave of my own making to my mind consciousness system where I give more and more of myself away until all that remains is the addiction and I become completely possessed.

I commit myself to realizing that I can stop my thoughts and backchat, as I am the one that created it in the first place, and thus I un-create it the same way as I created it, in walking it backwards where instead of giving permission to the thoughts, feelings, emotions and backchat, I stop giving permission, and thus stop the addiction within and as dedication and consistency in no longer participating in/giving attention/power to the thoughts, feelings and emotions, and so take back myself and my self direction, so that I am here constant and stable as myself, and not controlled/directed by/giving my life away to an addiction.

For support on how to get started walking your own process to self freedom through the tools of self writing,  self forgiveness, and self corrective application there is the Desteni I Process, which has vastly assisted and supported me in my own process over several years and which I am still walking with today. The support and assistance received is beyond valuable and is available to all regardless of income.

Desteni Art by Andrew Gable

Day 35 - The Obvious Secret of Consciousness

Day 35 - For context listen to the interview Reptilians – The Obvious Secret – Reality or Illusion

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I require thoughts to live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that who I am is consciousness, not realizing that it is a system existing within me and thus it is not actually me, but it is a system within me which I have abdicated myself to and allow to direct me in my stead.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and fear that if I stop thinking that I will die or cease to exist or lose myself, when in actuality I will begin to exist as actual life here, rather than just the thoughts that are created and generated by and within my mind consciousness system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I stop my thoughts the only thing I will lose is those thoughts, and then I will be here as myself without preprogrammed thoughts directing me, silent inside able to move and direct myself, and become more aware of what I’ve been missing in the physical reality that I have been distracted from by always being in my mind within thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that if I accept who I am as the thoughts that run around in my head and allow those thoughts to direct me, then what does it imply that I am not even aware of those thoughts, that I am not a self directed individual in control of myself and my actions, but am a mind-controlled robot subject to the fluctuations of my preprogrammed mind consciousness system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that I have not actually really been here experiencing, seeing, hearing actual reality, as I have been my whole life distracted by the noise in my head as the constant and continuous thoughts running.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the more I give permission to my thoughts that the more control I give my mind over me, within separating myself from my mind system and allowing thoughts to direct me, instead of standing equal to and as my mind within getting an understanding and awareness of how my mind functions as the patterns and behaviors I have been programmed with so that the mind no longer directs me in separation but I can direct myself and my mind in oneness and equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that every second I spend off in my mind is a wasted moment where I have missed actually reality that I can never get back, as you only get so many breaths in this life, and thus I should make the most of each and every single breath I have and make everybreath count where I within every breath move myself to expand and grow so that I can have an impact in this world and reality and ensure that who I am is actually a benefit to all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that if I am not aware of how my mind functions when my mind is what is controlling my very behavior, that I am actually a slave to my mind as I do not understand how it functions, how it is directing me, and manifesting consequences and play-outs in my reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if my thoughts just pop up in my mind as if out of nowhere, that I am not in control of myself but am at the whim of my mind consciousness system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my beingness exists only in my head region, ignoring that I am actually here within my total physical body, and that actual self movement comes from the chest area, and what is going on inside the head region is thoughts being generated by and through my mind consciousness system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that who I am is not a system within me, but I am the being within the human physical body and my mind consciousness system, and since I am here within the human physical body and mind consciousness system implies that I am in fact responsible for my human physical body and my mind consciousness system, in getting an understanding and awareness of how they operate so that I can utilize what is here as myself in a way that result in what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that I have actually designed my own mind consciousness system throughout my life according to my acceptances and allowances, within the thoughts that I decided to participate in and exist as.

To not consider that if I would not actually want what really goes on in my secret mind to be exposed, that indicates that the nature of my secret mind as the thoughts and backchat I allow and give attention to is really nasty and evil, and should not in any condition be accepted and allowed by me to exist within me.

I commit myself to realizing the insignificance of thoughts, within simply looking at what is the result from participation in thoughts is that they produce no result in the physical, and that only participation in and as the physical is what matters as what takes place in matter and substance, whereas thoughts are just information energy threads with no real substance.

I commit myself to walking the daily process of getting an understanding of how my mind operates so that I stand equal to and as my mind and in equality and oneness can direct myself and my mind as myself within what is best for all.

I commit myself to not accepting and allowing the nastiness of backchat to exist within me.

I commit myself to realizing that who I am is not my thoughts and that I can actually only really live if I stop participation in thoughts, for as long as I am participating in thoughts, I am not really here in reality, not really living, but missing out and squandering this opportunity that I have as a physical being here with a limited number of breaths.