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| Featured Art by Matti Freeman |
Something will come up that I’d like to
write about, and then a thought comes up as a picture of me not knowing how to
write about the point effectively, as not having an effective enough
vocabulary, where I’ve tried to write about it but not been able to write about
the point in specificity and clarity and it has ‘gone all wrong’ and become a
‘muddled mess’ of words and meanings, and then based on this picture, I
immediately ‘Give Up’ on writing about the point, within the belief that I’m
not able to, because I’ve believed the picture in my mind and taken it for
granted, and then want to avoid the negative experience that I saw within the
picture.
And then there is the positive picture that
comes up as me either not writing about the point and doing something else that
I am already skilled at as I’ve defined that as positive in polarity to how I
experience doing something I am not yet skilled in. So then I also want to
chase this positive picture, within accepting and believing that what the
picture has shown me is what I actually want to do, not realizing that I am
being totally manipulated by positive and negative feelings that I have
attached to certain scenarios/events/experiences.
However, what’s not considered within this,
is that vocabulary is learned. Just as the example of the recent news story
that reported that a young girl was found to be living with cows and she was
only able to communicate by mooing. When I look back at what it took for me to
be able to speak and write, I see that there was years of training that went
into learning how to speak and write, in school and at home with my parents, of
daily practice and drilling, until the process/skill of writing becomes
actually integrated into your physical so that you can do it ‘naturally’ as you
have trained your body to do the physical motions involved in writing. And
obviously if I did not get this training, as the many cases of ‘feral’ children
shows, I wouldn’t be able to speak or write at all.
Thus, what’s really going on when I
participate in this character of ‘not knowing how to write’, in accepting the
thought my mind has presented to me as me not being able to write, is to ensure
that I never will be able to write about what I am facing at the moment that
I’d like to write about, as I’ll never walk the practical necessary steps to
develop the ability to write about a certain topic. As, one does not innately
have the ability to write/communicate about something through/within writing,
and thus one must learn and expand oneself by going beyond what one has done
before which means going into ‘uncharted territories’, so to speak.
Thus the solution is not to avoid writing that
which I believe I can’t write about, but the solution is to write about it,
from my current understanding and vocabulary so that I can see where my
understanding is at, and where it is I require to improve my understanding, and
within this learning from the examples of others, as that is literally how we
learn - someone else taught us.
When this character activates, I experience
the emotions/feelings of frustration and anxiety toward the negative picture
and then the feelings of relief and relaxation when I consider choosing to not
write about the point. Within this, I am being completely directed by these
emotion/feeling experiences, which when I follow them will lead me to accept my
limitation. The backchat that comes up is ‘I’m just not ready to write about
this’ or ‘it’s going to be too difficult’ or ‘I’ll probably be better able to
do this later’, all of which is me attempting to convince myself through
internal conversation to follow the thoughts as the pictures that my mind
presented to me. And the physical feelings I experience is tiredness and
tension in the shoulders, like I am putting pressure on myself within the resistance
I create and allow within myself toward the picture of ‘not writing something
effectively’, which then feels relieved once I think about choosing to not
write, as now the ‘pressure is off’, but I have created these feelings in the
first place within my relationship toward writing.
I can actually use these pictures that come
up to assist me to see where I have attached feeling/emotion experiences to
certain events/situations/scenarios so that I can detach them and no longer ‘be
at their whim’. And to see what the specific backchat/internal conversation I
participate in so that I can see the game I am playing with myself, and stop
manipulating myself as a voice in my head. And to become aware of the
consequences I place on my physical human body as the pressures I exert on it
through participation in these thoughts/feelings/emotions. Thus I become the
solution to what I as creator have created, so that I can deconstruct the
patterns I exist as in which I accept and support myself to be/remain limited,
to reconstruct myself into a being that is constantly and consistently
expanding myself within my ability.
