Humanity's Journey to Life: Waiting

Showing posts with label Waiting. Show all posts

Day 108: Waiting to Value Myself

A pattern I’ve noticed myself playing out is one in which I am waiting for others to value me. Where, when I meet someone for the first time, I will wait within myself for some sort of initial reaction the person will have toward me, what they say, how they say it, how they move, how they look at me, if they pull a face, and from this will decide whether it seems like the person likes and respects me, or doesn’t like and respect me, and from here form an entire expectation of how this person is going to treat me, and how our interaction is going to go, whether it is going to be a ‘positive’ interaction, or not.

So what happens is I go into an observer mode where I’m busy observing the other person and how they are acting toward me, and then within this, taking my observations of how they act and forming ideas of what they must think of me, whether or not they like me, or will be nice/rude to me, basically taking everything they do/express personally as if it is a reaction to/toward me / something I’ve done/said /toward what I look like, etc. There is a really great interview on Eqafe that describes in detail this point very well – the point of taking things personally. Listen if you haven’t already, you can get it here: Life Review - The 'Taking this Personally' Victim

So from this initial ‘reaction to me’, which is rather my initial observation of the other person and what they’re doing, I take the observations personally, when I have actually in fact no idea why the person is acting the way they are and if it has anything to do with me at all. And even if they are reacting ‘toward me’, it still has nothing to do with me really, but they are reacting toward what I represent to them within their mind’s eye. This becomes clear when one observes one’s own reactions, one will find that it’s always a reaction that originates from oneself, from one’s own mind of preprogrammed automated reactions to/toward things in one’s reality/environment that one has accepted a judgment toward within oneself, and the person you’re reacting toward, was only the trigger point as they represented something to you that your mind has stored a certain reaction/response toward that you will then go into when you encounter someone that trigger that response. And thus a reaction is never actually ‘personal’, as it’s always based in an individual’s mind as the relationships of energy as judgment that one has formed and stored in one’s mind toward that which is here as the various forms/manifestations/scenarios/situations/events/people that exist.

So within this pattern/character, I ‘wait’ for the other to apparently decide if they’re going to like me or not, or to see how they’re going to react/act toward me, if they’re going to see me as ‘worthy’ of respect, and so within all this, what I’ve done is separate myself from ‘worth’ ‘respect’ ‘value’, where I'm waiting for another to value me, and what I’m actually saying is that I don’t value myself. That I see myself as not having value or worth in the first place, and that I must wait for another to act in such a way as I perceive that they value me, and all I can do is ‘hope’ they will like/value/respect me.

In the post to come we’ll take a look at the various Dimensions of the Waiting for Validation character, and how it is I’ve separated myself from ‘worth’ ‘value’ and ‘respect’, that I believe I can find it in another and can’t live it for myself. Suggest for context on Character Dimensions to read the following Heaven’s Journey to Life blog posts:

Character Dimensions - Introduction: DAY 162
Character Dimensions – Practical Application (Part 1): DAY 163
Character Dimensions – THOUGHT Dimension: DAY 164
Character Dimensions – IMAGINATION Dimension (Part 1): DAY 165
Character Dimensions – IMAGINATION Dimension (Part 2): DAY 166
Character Dimensions – BACKCHAT Dimension (Part 1): DAY 167

Character Dimensions – BACKCHAT Dimension (Part 2): DAY 168
Character Dimensions – BACKCHAT Dimension (Part 3): DAY 169

Day 104: Many Characters of Waiting

Featured Artwork by Andrew Gable

So I’m going to start writing out, one by one, all the different characters I can find in which I become/live as a character of Waiting, where I’m giving in to some reason/justification/excuse as to why I apparently can’t stop living as a certain pattern instead of realizing that I am the one that can change me, nothing else in fact can, and thus I am only ever waiting for myself to change.

The key to this is realizing and remembering that any reaction of separation one has toward something/someone else is never valid. For example blaming another, being jealous of another, judging another, being angry at another, being disappointed with another, and there’s many more possible reactions that come up in us toward others.

And this applies to anyone or anything in one’s reality – could be a person, a place, a particular scenario, a scent, a memory, a picture, a particular sound, tonality of someone’s voice, a certain hairstyle, etc, that one has a reaction to. Basically anything that is here, it’s possible to have a reaction toward.

Now, notice, the physical does not react in separation toward itself. Your house is not busy reacting toward the color of your car, for example. Seems ridiculous in that context, doesn’t it? Yet that’s what we do without even realizing it most of the time, we’ve so taken it for granted and accepted it as just a part of who we are. Because we learned these patterns for the most part in our very early childhood, and have since ‘forgotten’ that we actually learned these behaviors, we weren’t born this way, reacting to things, we were just here. Being here as a physical being interacting with the physical world, which is essentially just an extension of oneself, as we all come from the same substance, we’re made of the same particles, and it’s quite silly indeed for one group of particles to judge another, and it’s outrightly insane that they’d go to war with each other, and all the other atrocities that we are committing toward those who are just other versions of ourselves.

So the point is to ‘get back to’ that point of ‘innocence’ before I became programmed with all sorts of reactions to my world/environment/reality, so that I can actually live here and experience and participate in real physical reality, and not spend the time I have here, wasting it away in reactions to things. Cause that’s not really living. And there are serious consequences for living as reactions and separation toward what is here, which you can see as all the atrocities that’s taking place, in all the harm the we’re doing to one another, and to our very own selves. So not only do you waste your life away, in chemical reactions which wreak havoc on your physical human body, but so we wreak havoc on the entire physical reality, as a direct result of the judgments and reactions we’re participating in towards our world/reality/environment/other beings.

So I’ll be walking through and deconstructing all the patterns of Waiting as the multiple Characters and their dimensions that I find I have existed as, in which I have accepted myself as the patterns I’ve become as 'who I am' and thus can only Wait for Change to happen to me, within this getting into the nitty-gritty of each character and deconstructing the various dimensions of each character, so I can release these patterns through self forgiveness and corrective application, and walk here as a real being in oneness and equality, that lives in a way that is best for all life.

Day 102: Self Forgiveness on WAITING

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as the pattern of always Waiting for my external world and environment to change so that I can then change, not realizing that this puts me in a position where I am dependent on/victim to my environment, as I’m allowing my environment/relationships/situations that come up in my life to determine how I’m going to experience myself and thus essentially who I am and how I act/react/behave/feel/think/live, where then I am existing as a robot that is programmed to have specific reactions to specific triggers in my world and reality, within this there is obviously no self direction, self will, self movement, and real living but only pre-programmed automated responses.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that as long as I am Waiting for something else to change, in order for me to change, that I’m putting myself and who I am and how I experience myself at the whim of my world and reality, within this giving up any ability I have to direct my world and reality, and essentially allow myself to be a rag doll tossed about from one experience to the next on a rollercoaster of emotion/feeling reactions, which totally distract me from living, from life here, where I waste my life away in fabricated and preprogrammed feeling experiences that are produced within my physical body at the expense of the physical body, as the resources of the physical body are used up to generate the feeling/emotion experiences, thus I am essentially a vampire to myself, feeding off of the flesh of my own human physical body, to feed the mind, instead of living in oneness and equality with/as my human physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to completely take for granted that I am actually the creator of what I experience within myself, as it is me within my mind who decided that would allow myself to react in certain ways to certain triggers, and thus I am actually able to un-create the patterns I’ve programmed myself as, and do not have to ‘WAIT’ for the triggers themselves to change/stop in order for me to be able to change/stop how I’m experiencing myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how the belief that how I’m experiencing myself is due to things outside of myself is what put me into a Perpetual Position of Waiting, since as long as I am believing it is something outside/separate from me that I require to be a certain way or to change in order for me to stop experiencing what I’m experiencing, then I am ‘stuck’ within what I am experiencing and not even considering that I could in fact stop participating in the experience, regardless of what is happening outside in my world/situation/reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I’ve been existing as a pattern which I learned when I was very little, wherein I had to Wait to be told what to do, or if I had done ‘good’, or what I was ‘allowed to do’, and that this pattern is no longer relevant as I am now an adult myself and no longer a small child with no way to provide for my own survival and thus at the total whim of much larger adults who hold my survival and wellbeing in their hands.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that the belief that I am not good enough, or there is something wrong with me, or what I’m doing is inappropriate, or that I’m a failure, is all me placing a dependency on my external environment and the external factors in my life, to determine who/what/how I am, and thus I can only WAIT for my world to change, before my experience of myself will change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I created who I am, then the only thing I am Waiting for in order to Change, is MYSELF. Waiting for Myself to stop needing a reason before I will change, Waiting for Myself to stop depending on my world/environment/relationships/events to change before I can change, Waiting for Myself to stop WAITING and to realize there Is Nothing to Wait For and to Actually Change.

Day 101: I’m Waiting For Something… What Am I Waiting For??

Featured Artwork by Andrew Gable

Here’s a pattern that I’ve lived for practically my whole life, since when I was little, I was taught that the parent knows, the adult knows, and you don’t. So you have to wait to be told. Told that you’ve been a good girl/boy, that you’ve done well, that you’ve done right, that you’ve done wrong, that you’ve let them down, or made them proud. And through this, you learn to wait. To wait for someone else to validate you. As if you’re not valid in yourself already. As if we need someone or something or some kind of outside feedback from our world to tell us that we’re ok, we’re doing good, we’re an effective person, we’ve succeeded, and when we don’t get that feedback, we figure we’ve failed, we’re doing something wrong, we’re worthless, there’s something wrong with me.

I’ve noticed I’ve been living and existing as this pattern where I'm waiting for something else to validate me. Something/someone else to tell me I'm good, I've made it, I can do it, I have value. Not standing as self value, and realizing that I can already value me now. I don't have to wait for anything. There is nothing to wait for, because it's just a belief in the first place that I require something to validate me and that I'm not valid in myself already.

My very being has become waiting for someone to tell me its ok, or to stop judging me, or to tell me I'm doing it right, or to give me permission. Permission to value myself, permission to do something, permission to do what I’m doing, permission to do what I’ve done, permission to forgive myself and let go of my past, permission to live. Permission to direct myself and my world and reality. It has become my very being to such extent that the very words I speak are always containing the essence of the question ‘is this ok?’ ‘Do you accept this? What I’m doing? What I’m saying?’ And why am I asking this actually? Because I haven’t accepted it -myself-.

So I’m always waiting for someone/something in my world to tell me there is nothing wrong with me, or what I'm doing, when it's always me, that is judging me, that is thinking it's not ok, that is feeling like I don't have permission, that I'm doing things wrong, that I'm no good, that I'm not sincere/that I'm fake, that what I'm doing is inappropriate, annoying, stupid, weird, strange, bad, wrong.

I would wish for points to validate me, believing that that was the only way I could stop feeling like I’m not effective, like I don’t have value, like I’m not a failure. Like, ‘if only I could make more sales at my job, then I would ‘know’ I’m effective’. Or ‘when everyone I meet/speak to me is nice to me, then I know I’m doing something right’. Or if others will laugh at my jokes, if others will take me seriously, if others will compliment me and what I’m doing, if I make more money, if I feel more at ease and comfortable with myself…

And within this, it’s all Waiting. Waiting for something/someone outside myself, not considering/realizing that I am actually Waiting For Myself. That it is in fact myself, that is judging myself as a failure if no one laughs at my joke, judging myself as ineffective if I’m not taken seriously, feeling like I’m doing something wrong if someone is ‘not nice’ to me, and I’m the one who’s not being at ease and comfortable with myself, because I’m waiting for a reason to tell me that I can now feel comfortable with myself, waiting for some reason to tell me that I can let go of my past and stop living as the patterns I’ve always existed as, because I don’t need to ‘succeed’ to stop feeling like a failure. Because it’s just a feeling, that I imposed on myself, based on the parameters that I learned from the examples around me in my childhood, of what external factors/situations/events to judge oneself as a failure for. Like the idea that you’re a failure if you don’t make enough money. Or if you don’t go to college. Or if others don’t ‘like’ you. We learn to create an experience within and toward ourselves based on these and other various points, and so we effectively become victims to our environment and the people we interact with and the situations we find ourselves in, instead of being a directive principle within our world and reality, waiting for our reality to define us/value us/determine who we are. Which is not Living. It’s Waiting. And Wasting one’s life within reasons/justifications/excuses why you can’t value yourself now, why you must wait for permission from ‘somewhere else’ – Where?? Who can give you permission to Live but Yourself?

Who is going to Value me if I don’t even Value myself? How can I expect another to do that which I’m not even doing myself? So what am I Waiting for? MYSELF. To stop Devaluing myself, to stop Judging myself, I am Waiting for Myself to STOP WAITING and to Give Myself Permission to Live, to Stop the Cycles of Waiting for something else to validate me, and realize that I am Here as Life that requires no validation, as I am simply Here, everything else is stuff we made up to keep us trapped in Forever Waiting and Never Living. So Are You Waiting and What Are You Waiting For?

This is what the process of Self Realization through Self Writing, Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Application is here for, that you can see being walked in the Journey to Life blogs – to assist and support oneself to Stop Waiting and stand up as the Directive Principle in one’s life, to release self of the patterns of the past that keep us trapped in cycles of limitation, so we can actually Transform Ourselves into Real Living Beings and be Life Here, Self Directed, Self Moving, and actually Evolve.

Self Forgiveness on Waiting to come in the post to follow.