Day 60: The 'I Don't Like Conflict' Character

Today I overheard two partners having a discussion, and I saw within myself that by the tonalities of their voices and the phrasing of the statements made, I defined this as a ‘conflict’, and I saw within myself the thought come up that 'I don’t like conflict’ within a relationship, I don’t like to be in a situation of conflict with my partner, but what it is that I actually don’t like or want to avoid, is how I experience myself in such a situation where I perceive there is a ‘conflict’. And thus, there isn’t actually even a conflict, but only a perception of conflict, as it is me that is living ‘conflict’ as myself, within how I’ve defined a certain situation, wherein I feel like I am being attacked/not considered, within this projecting onto another that they are not considering me, while I then do the same thing, because ‘if they are not considering me, then I must consider myself’ and within this I am thus only considering myself, and not considering them as well, as I’ve gone into a reaction of defense. Where defense is actually where one separate oneself from another. 

Thus perhaps one’s partner may be perceiving and living the same thing in the same moment, but that doesn’t matter because it still does not make it real, it only shows how we act to keep each other within the same patterns of perception/reaction/behavior by participating in and accepting as normal the very same patterns of behavior, and it still only exists as a perception and a pattern of behavior that we live according to our perception of a situation and the relationship that we’ve formed to being in such a situation, that we’ve defined as ‘conflict’, as certain tonalities, body movements/mannerisms, certain phrasings/statements, events, behaviors, language. 

And it is up to me to not live as this pattern reaction to situations of conflict, as if I wait for another to change, then it may never happen, it doesn’t matter if another is living it as well, that has nothing to do with me stopping myself, and what does it imply if who I am is dependent on who others are and what others live as? That I actually do not then exist, as my behavior is simply the copy/clone of those I see around me in my world/reality. And what is the consequence that I allow to manifest if/when I allow my behavior to be determined by other’s behavior? That no one ever change, as we’ll all simply keep mirroring each other, and thus none of us actually exist, as we’re all just mirroring each other’s patterns of behavior, as the particular characters we’re living as. As long as I am living it, I am living the example and validating such behavior for others as well, and thus until I change the example I am living, I am only supporting others to stay the same, supporting them to accept the same pattern of behavior as who they are and as how to live and to not see/consider/realize/apply another way.

Thus, I commit myself to investigate myself and the reaction/relationship I have toward ‘conflict’, to see/understand/realize how it is that I live ‘conflict’ and actually create and manifest ‘conflict’, when there in fact is none. 

What’s cool about observing this moment where others were interacting, and seeing this relationship within myself, is that here I have an opportunity to see what relationships exist within me, so that I can look at how I would react if/when this situation were to come up, before it comes up, and see the consequence I would manifest according to how I would react in such situation, and thus giving me an opportunity to place a correction that I would rather walk if/when I find myself in such a situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form a relationship toward ‘conflict’, wherein I have programmed myself to react a certain way toward conflict which I experience as a ‘negative’ or ‘unpleasant’ experience, and then seek to avoid conflict as I am really trying/attempting to avoid how I experience myself in such situation.

Thus, I commit myself to investigating and uncovering my relationship toward ‘conflict’, so that I can understand how I create conflict as myself, within this realizing that the character I have formed toward ‘conflict’ as the ‘I don’t like conflict and thus want to avoid conflict’ character is really me avoiding how I experience myself within/toward conflict according to the relationship that I formed toward situations I perceive as ‘conflict’. 

I commit myself to realizing that I create the experience of conflict within myself, as the ‘I am now in a situation of conflict’ character and then the ‘I must defend myself’ character as but one of the characters I’ve formed in reaction to conflict, as a way of trying/attempting to avoid/cope with how I experience myself within ‘conflict’.

I realize that the conflict that exist in the world, we create through living it as ourselves into reality, and that we are really only defending ourselves from ourselves, as we are all the same substance here, equal in form and need, and if we had formed this world from the starting point of considering all life equal and what is best for all life, the conflict would not exist. 

I commit myself to doing whatever it takes to stop manifesting a world of conflict, within firstly investigating where/how I live as and manifest the conflict in this world, to stand as an example to all in that it is possible to live another way without creating unnecessary conflict, and within this I commit myself to doing what I can to participate in the creation and implementation of an Equal Money System, to end the current conflict based Capitalist system, which creates conflict by placing us within a situation where not all are provided for and thus conflict between individuals in created, when it is totally unnecessary, as we live in a world of plenty where all can be provided for without conflict, and that would obviously be the best world to live in, for myself and the children to come.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by living as the character of ‘I don’t like conflicts, I must avoid them’ and then trying to act in ways to avoid conflict, that I sabotage my relationships, wherein I will then hold back and not say certain things that I fear will cause conflict, and thus will accept and allow abuse within relationships simply to avoid conflict, which will eventually cause the relationship to fail, while allowing an abusive situation for both beings involved.

I commit myself stop living as the ‘desire to avoid conflict’ character, within the realization of the consequence I create by attempting/trying to avoid conflict, and thus I commit myself to find every way that I act to avoid conflict, and every character I form and participate in in order to avoid/cope with ‘conflict’, so that I can stop living as a character and rather live as a real being that does not compromise life, but supports life.