Day 40: How I Sabotaged Myself: Relationships – Manipulating for Energy

Relationships as they currently exist are based in polarities, through which we take ourselves on roller-coaster rides of energetic experiences, that wreak havoc on our physical bodies, yet it’s this up-and-down, happy-then-sad cycles that we’ve become addicted to, and that we call ‘living’. Why did I accept the roller-coaster of love as a valid pursuit of my time? Why did I refuse to see that the negative comes with the positive and that you can’t have one without the other? Because I wanted to believe that I could somehow have those positive experiences without the negative, or that at least the positive would ‘outweigh’ the negative and that those ‘good moments’ would make it ‘all worthwhile’.

But those good moments weren’t really real moments, because what I was experiencing was an energetic feeling inside myself, not an actual experience in physical reality, and thus why such experiences as such feelings, never lasted, because they weren’t actually based in the physical, but merely chemical reactions induced inside my body, feeding off my body, to give me a rush just like a drug.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that feeling experiences are real experiences, not realizing that the feelings I was experiencing inside myself was not something actually taking place in reality, as an actual physical experience, but is only energy moving within me and feeding off my body like a parasite, to give me a ‘fake’ experience, distracting me from actual reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by spending my time and efforts to manipulate my world and the beings in it, in order to create certain energetic feeling experiences within myself, that I actually am wasting time and breath that could be spent being here in actual reality and learning how to live effectively and have effective relationships that are based on actual physical experience as what it really means to be in a relationship as a partnership as an agreement between oneself and another being living together practically, actually getting to know each other as who each other are.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that when I am living within the focus of manipulating my relationships in order to generate these energetic experiences for myself, that I am actually not living here as simply myself as who I am, but my behaviors and mannerisms are all geared toward this goal of manipulation, and thus if within a relationship both partners are living this starting point, then neither being is getting to know each other as who they really are, as neither is living as who they really are.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that this is where the feeling/experience of ‘losing oneself’ in a relationship, and feeling like you ‘can’t just be yourself’ comes from, as one has literally given oneself over to living as a system, living as the mind consciousness system that is designed to manipulate for energy, and thus one becomes more and more ‘trapped’ into specific behaviors in order to maintain the relationship as one is addicted to the energy that one ‘gets’ from being in the relationship.

I commit myself to realizing that energetic experiences are just that and aren’t actually taking place in physical reality, but only within oneself as a chemical reaction, and thus is not a real experience.

I commit myself investigate where I give focus to energetic experiences as if they are real, and to become aware of how and where I manipulate in order to generate energetic experiences within myself, that serve to only deplete my human physical body for the sake of a drug-like chemical reaction, so I can stop living for energy and live for real in the physical reality as a physical being.

I commit myself to no longer approach relationships  from the starting point of manipulating and seeking energetic experiences, so that I and have real relationships that are based on physical reality and on getting to know myself and another as who we really are, as physical beings here, not controlled and living for an addiction to energy that we call ‘love’.

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