Day 31 - Love is Fear of the Chaos Within

For context listen to the interview Reptilians – Why Love is so Addictive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the most important relationship that exists is my relationship with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that having a relationship with another is the most important relationship that exists, not even considering my relationship with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to develop relationships toward other beings where I really felt like I could not live without that person or could not pull myself away from them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the state of my relationship with myself is in a detrimental condition in serious need of attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the more I run away from myself, the more the desire for the experience of relationship with another grows and gets stronger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the more I chase after that experience of relationship driven by the energy of that desire, I am going to be let down, as it’s going to manifest the consequence of my relationships as a being, my mind and my physical, which are actually crying or attention, because instead of giving attention to those relationships with and as myself, I am avoiding and distracting myself from them within seeking and focusing on having a relationship with another. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that in that desire for relationship with another I am actually externalizing my own desire for relationship with myself, where it is actually myself that is begging for attention from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that relationships cannot work as we’re currently approaching them with a chaotic mess of relationships in our minds that we haven’t yet sorted out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider how can we actually have a functional relationship with another human being when we’ve got such chaos within ourself and our mind in which we have no control or directive principle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret the energy that builds up for relationship with another as ‘love’. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it would be an absolute act of love to actually focus on my relationship with myself, as that is what I am actually wanting to give to myself, to really get to know myself and know everything about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my relationship with myself is actually what I would like to focus on  and that the lack of an effective and supportive relationship with myself is the cause of why I am experiencing desire for relationship with another, in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I have an actual real relationship with myself and my human physical body, that I will finally be satisfied and not feel like I need to find a relationship with another, and will be here as breath not moved and directed by energetic desires.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider what it would be like to live in equality and oneness with myself, where I’m not driven by energy into situations that I know manifest undesirable and unpleasant consequence that is abusive to the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider what it would be like to not live as chaos inside myself where I have no control or direction, and can just be here as myself stable as breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that masturbation can be used as support to assist and support myself to stop participation in those energies and give myself back to myself to no longer be moved by energies, out of my control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the easy way out of going into the addiction to the energy that I’ve allowed to move and drive me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I go into addictions it is out of fear, where I fear to direct myself and thus let the energy ‘take over’ where then I literally am ‘taken over’ by the energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get addicted to the feelings of what happen in my physical body when I participate in fear, as the adrenaline rush, and to interpret this feeling as ‘I’m alive!’ or ‘I am in love!’, when it is actually just fear that I am experiencing and putting stress on my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that the rush I get from adrenaline that I interpreted as ‘being in love’ is actually wreaking havoc on my physical body, and obviously is not thus an act of ‘love’ toward my human physical body. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the experience of being in love as the excuse ‘I couldn’t help it, I was in love’ to excuse behaviors that I participated in or things I’ve done, when there actually is no excuse because I still made the decision to participate in and be ‘driven’ by the feelings I experienced within my physical that I interpreted as ‘being in love’ - I actually made the decision to do what I did and thus was actually aware of what I was doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that love is ‘heavenly’ when love as the rush I feel that I call ‘love’ that takes place within my physical body actually cause hell in my body.

I commit myself to utilizing moments where I experience the energy of desire for relationship with another as a cross-reference that shows me I am not paying enough attention to myself and my own mind and I’m not sorting out the relationships I’m existing as but allowing them to accumulate into an energy that compels and drives me to seek out relationship with another.

I commit myself to realize that if we all hide behind excuses of why we apparently don’t have to change, that nothing will ever change, and thus-

I commit myself to actually changing so that this world can actually change, as only when we stop the hell within ourselves, can we stop the hell without.

I commit myself to getting to know myself and sorting out the chaos that exists within myself and my mind and sorting out my relationship with myself so that I can be effective in relationships with other beings, and actually be ‘at peace’ with myself and not be moved and directed by energies as a virtual energetic puppet that has no self-direction.

I commit myself to realize the actuality of what it is to have a relationship with another being and understanding the impact that I have on another being’s life, to ensure that I do not harm another being by being careless and unaware of myself and how it is possible to harm another for their entire life just by the words I speak when I do not understand the consequence.