Day 52: Character Deconstruction: The ‘I’m too fat’ Character

Most of my life I did not have any fat. I believed it wasn’t possible for me to get fat, that I had a ‘high metabolism’ that no matter how much I ate, and sometimes I ate a lot, I would never get fat. Then, in my late twenties, I started to put on some fat, and this was quite a surprise, because I’d never really had any fat before, I’d always been really lean, and was even so skinny when I was younger that I was sometimes suspected of being anorexic, but I wasn’t. 

So for most of my life, I didn’t have to face what some do, which is the experience of having fat in the current state of elite societies, which judges ‘fat’ extensively. There are some societies which have the opposite judgment, where ‘fat’ is preferred for females, as a status symbol of a male’s successful ability to provide for his woman.

‘Being fat’ is portrayed as negative/bad/unappealing in most forms of media, and ‘being thin’ as positive, and this is a reflection of the judgment we allow to exist within ourselves, as it’s we as individuals that live as this judgment, within accepting and allowing ourselves to exist as the belief and perception that ‘skinny’ is ‘good’ and ‘fat’ is ‘bad.

What we forget is that when we first came into this world, we did not have negative or positive attachments to body sizes. We actually learn to judge ourselves through the examples all around us in our lives as our parents, friends, adults, tv, movies, books, magazines, etc. We accept and validate this system of judgment because we look and see that others will in fact judge you negatively for being fat, and judge you positively for being thin, and thus we believe the judgment to be real, not considering that it’s as real as we make, that we are literally the creators of it as we live it within our actions and our words to/toward one another. But if we all stopped participating in it, it would simply not exist, and thus you can see that it’s just a fabrication that exists within the mind. So why would we participate in something that’s not even real and through which we abuse ourselves and each other and the entire world.

I would imagine if I was fat/put myself in those shoes and consider how I’d feel/experience myself and then I ‘felt bad’ for those who are ‘fat’ because I’d be picturing in my mind how they must be ridiculed/treated by others, and within this, formed a relationship to being fat as fearing to become fat for how others would treat me or not treat me, not realizing that this was actually my own self judgment, wherein I was accepting and validating this system of judgment by accepting it within myself as valid and real.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within believing/fearing that ‘others’ will judge, that I was actually validating that entire system of judgment within myself, as I was not standing as the example that systems of judgment are not real, it is just a value system made up within the mind, with no purpose but to separate ourselves from another aspect of ourselves.

I commit myself to realize that all judgment is self judgment, as we as individuals must actually participate/believe in/validate the judgment within ourselves and live it out and act as it, for it to actually ‘exist’, and thus all judgment starts with self, and therefore must end with self, as self is the creator, self must stop creating and being the source of judgment.

Then I developed a relationship in separation to those who are ‘fat’ where I feared that they would judge/hate/be spiteful toward me out of jealousy for me not being fat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a relationship toward those who are ‘fat’ in fearing that they’ll judge me, not realizing that this is my own acceptance and allowance of judgment.

I commit myself to stopping the fear of ‘others will judge me’ within the realization that I must stand as the example myself the judgment is not real by living free of judgment myself.

So when I put some fat on, I then got to experience the other side of the polarity, to see how I experienced myself, how my relationship to myself changed, where I would feel depressed in looking at my body, where I used to feel ‘positive’ about it – which shows the nature of polarity and the consequence of participating in and as it, where to participate in the positive, you’re also manifesting the negative, and when you find yourself on the negative side of the polarity, you realize just what you’ve created by participating in the positive. The kind of thoughts I had changed from positive about myself to negative, my perception and interaction with others changed where I would constantly fear they were looking at me or think they were having thoughts about me and my weight, and I experienced resistance to go in public and be seen by others. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider what I’m manifesting as the negative side of a polarity when I participate in the positive side of the polarity, until I actually found myself on the negative side.

I commit myself to stop all participation in polarity within the realization that to participate in one side creates the other, and thus even if I am only experiencing the positive side, someone else is experiencing the negative side that I am creating, and that I would not want to experience myself on the negative side of what I’m creating.

Nowhere in any of this is there actual consideration of the physical. Or what size is appropriate/effective for a particular individual considering all physical influencing factors.
What we support by living as this system of judgment is all the abuse that occurs to the physical as the abuse that is done within all the attempts by individuals to fit into the ‘right picture’ to be on the ‘winning side’ of the polarity where one will be Rewarded within how others treat them and behave toward them. This is how we manipulate each other to fit the picture we have in our minds, while not even considering that suffering this cause, and that its only purpose is to serve consumerism. Extensive profits are made from those that seek ways to lose weight. And without and actual effective understanding of how the physical human body operates and what is effective nutrition, and what is an effective state for one’s particular body, much self-abuse and harm to one’s physical is done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of exploring the difference in individual’s body sizes/compositions to understand it as understanding a part of ourselves as this reality and how it exists/functions, turn it into a competition/battle/war within ourselves and without.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate and exist as the system of judgment toward one’s human physical body based on pictures to which we’ve assigned values to in separation of/from our physical within our mind, values which are not real or relevant in any way to actual physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by participating in and existing as the system of judgment based on ‘fat’ vs ‘skinny’ that I am accepting/allowing/supporting the abuse that happens to not only individuals but to the world as a whole as nature and the animals, which provide the resources as substance which is utilized within/by consumerism to feed the desire of those who seek to look like the ‘good picture’ to be on the positive side of the polarity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that what one’s body looks like, has nothing to do with its physical functioning, as it’s just a picture I see with my human physical eyes, which I’ve assigned a value to within my mind, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not real.

I commit myself to approach what is here as physical forms in this reality in exploring what is here to get an understanding of physical reality, without judgment or turning it into a polarity battle of competition and comparison based on made-up values in the mind.

I commit myself to no longer participate in and exist as a system of judgment toward the human physical body based on pictures, which are not real or relevant to actual physical reality.

I commit myself to stop participating in and existing as the system of judgment based on ‘fat’ vs ‘skinny’ because I realize that to do so I am accepting/allowing/supporting the abuse that happens as what individuals do to themselves due to their participation in living as the system of judgment of ‘fat’ is ‘bad’ and ‘skinny’ is ‘good’, and the abuse that is done to the earth, animals, nature, as the resources consumed by those individuals seeking to be on the ‘good side’ of the polarity.

I commit myself to realizing that what my/one’s body looks like has nothing to do with its physical functioning and is just a picture that I’ve assigned values to in my mind, values that don’t benefit life but harm life, thus I commit myself to living as a being that values life as life itself not judging/evaluating what is here as the physical manifestations/forms in this existence according to pictures in my mind that aren’t actually real but are just images, as Life is Not an Image.

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