Day 75: Self forgiveness on the ‘I Don’t Know How/What to Write’ Character

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the thought that comes up as the picture of me failing to write something effectively and having a negative experience toward that, as real and valid, and within my acceptance of this thought, to allow the ‘I don’t know how/what to write’ character to activate, wherein I become and live as this character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that because I have believed in a picture which isn’t even real, that I have thus removed myself from reality and gone into an alternate reality in my mind where I’ve created a perception of reality and then act according to that perception, which I’ve formed from memories of previous/past experiences that I then use to shape how I see reality, so that I am seeing pictures created from within my mind, instead of seeing reality direct here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the pictures my mind shows me are real, and not realize that pictures are just pictures and are never reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I believe in the pictures my mind presents to me as positive/negative perceptions of reality, that I then effectively enslave myself to pictures, where I then become mind controlled and want to avoid what I ‘see’ as the negative version of reality, and ‘go toward’ the positive experience, when neither is real but just a picture in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to what it actually takes to develop the ability to write effectively on  a topic which requires and understanding of what one is writing about, and that if one’s understanding is not yet complete, does not mean that one should not write about such subject, but that within writing about it, one can then see where one’s understanding is lacking, and can then go and research the point further to get an effective understanding, and thus writing is/becomes the tool through which self develops an effective ability to write on a certain topic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that what’s really going on when I participate in this character of ‘not knowing how to write’, is that I’m actually accepting myself to be/remain limited in ensuring that I don’t do that which would actually lead to me expanding myself in my ability to write about something, by avoiding to take the necessary steps simply based on trying to avoid the negative experience presented to me by mind which I’ve accepted as real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach positive and negative feelings toward certain pictures/experiences, within perceiving ‘failing’ to write something as a ‘negative experience’ wherein I thus experience myself negatively within emotions/feelings such as anxiety and frustration and feeling ‘under pressure’, and where I view taking the opposite action within avoiding to write that which I do not already know how.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to ‘know how’ to write something before writing it, within this ignoring the fact that it takes practice and training to get effective at a particular skill. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put pressure on my human physical body by participating in the energetic feelings/emotions in relation to this character, which cause unnecessary harm to my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to realize that the pictures as thoughts that come up in my mind can actually be used as the tool to set me free from my enslavement to the mind, as they are showing me exactly where/how I have separated myself from myself into preprogrammed systems within my mind that run and direct me through using pictures/emotions/feelings/images/ memories, to live/act/behave in specific predetermined ways, so that I can take back my self direction to be a real being here in actual reality, and not trapped within made-up perceptions within my mind.

Day 74: The “I Don’t Know What/How to Write” Character

Featured Art by Matti Freeman

Something will come up that I’d like to write about, and then a thought comes up as a picture of me not knowing how to write about the point effectively, as not having an effective enough vocabulary, where I’ve tried to write about it but not been able to write about the point in specificity and clarity and it has ‘gone all wrong’ and become a ‘muddled mess’ of words and meanings, and then based on this picture, I immediately ‘Give Up’ on writing about the point, within the belief that I’m not able to, because I’ve believed the picture in my mind and taken it for granted, and then want to avoid the negative experience that I saw within the picture. 

And then there is the positive picture that comes up as me either not writing about the point and doing something else that I am already skilled at as I’ve defined that as positive in polarity to how I experience doing something I am not yet skilled in. So then I also want to chase this positive picture, within accepting and believing that what the picture has shown me is what I actually want to do, not realizing that I am being totally manipulated by positive and negative feelings that I have attached to certain scenarios/events/experiences.

However, what’s not considered within this, is that vocabulary is learned. Just as the example of the recent news story that reported that a young girl was found to be living with cows and she was only able to communicate by mooing. When I look back at what it took for me to be able to speak and write, I see that there was years of training that went into learning how to speak and write, in school and at home with my parents, of daily practice and drilling, until the process/skill of writing becomes actually integrated into your physical so that you can do it ‘naturally’ as you have trained your body to do the physical motions involved in writing. And obviously if I did not get this training, as the many cases of ‘feral’ children shows, I wouldn’t be able to speak or write at all.

Thus, what’s really going on when I participate in this character of ‘not knowing how to write’, in accepting the thought my mind has presented to me as me not being able to write, is to ensure that I never will be able to write about what I am facing at the moment that I’d like to write about, as I’ll never walk the practical necessary steps to develop the ability to write about a certain topic. As, one does not innately have the ability to write/communicate about something through/within writing, and thus one must learn and expand oneself by going beyond what one has done before which means going into ‘uncharted territories’, so to speak.

Thus the solution is not to avoid writing that which I believe I can’t write about, but the solution is to write about it, from my current understanding and vocabulary so that I can see where my understanding is at, and where it is I require to improve my understanding, and within this learning from the examples of others, as that is literally how we learn - someone else taught us.

When this character activates, I experience the emotions/feelings of frustration and anxiety toward the negative picture and then the feelings of relief and relaxation when I consider choosing to not write about the point. Within this, I am being completely directed by these emotion/feeling experiences, which when I follow them will lead me to accept my limitation. The backchat that comes up is ‘I’m just not ready to write about this’ or ‘it’s going to be too difficult’ or ‘I’ll probably be better able to do this later’, all of which is me attempting to convince myself through internal conversation to follow the thoughts as the pictures that my mind presented to me. And the physical feelings I experience is tiredness and tension in the shoulders, like I am putting pressure on myself within the resistance I create and allow within myself toward the picture of ‘not writing something effectively’, which then feels relieved once I think about choosing to not write, as now the ‘pressure is off’, but I have created these feelings in the first place within my relationship toward writing.

I can actually use these pictures that come up to assist me to see where I have attached feeling/emotion experiences to certain events/situations/scenarios so that I can detach them and no longer ‘be at their whim’. And to see what the specific backchat/internal conversation I participate in so that I can see the game I am playing with myself, and stop manipulating myself as a voice in my head. And to become aware of the consequences I place on my physical human body as the pressures I exert on it through participation in these thoughts/feelings/emotions. Thus I become the solution to what I as creator have created, so that I can deconstruct the patterns I exist as in which I accept and support myself to be/remain limited, to reconstruct myself into a being that is constantly and consistently expanding myself within my ability.

Day 73: Commitment Statements on the ‘I Don’t Want to Miss-Out’ Character

Featured Art by Anna Brix Thomsen

I commit myself to investigate myself to become aware of all the ways I exist as the ‘I Don’t Want to Miss-Out’ character, so that I can stop living as and according to a thought/belief which is not relevant to reality, so that I can remain here in reality and stop ‘Missing-Out’ on Real Life by being possessed in my mind where I trap myself by believing in the pictures my mind shows me so that I then live according to the pictures in my mind instead of reality which means I’m existing in an alternate reality in my mind, while I am actually here as the physical and thus missing out on myself and life as the physical.

I commit myself to be/become aware of what is just a picture in my mind, so that I can actually see and identify when a picture comes up in my mind and realize that it is just a picture in my mind and not actual reality, and so that within being able to identify when a picture pops up that I can see it for what it is and not immediately go into belief of that thought, which then will shape my entire perception of reality, and thus will shape who I am as I will act and live according to that perception.

I commit myself to realizing that the pictures that pop up in my mind are only pictures and are never reality.

I commit myself to realize that when a picture comes up in my mind of a scenario where I am ‘having such a good/amazing time’ to immediately realize that this is only a picture that I am attempting to manipulate my perception of reality with, and thus not participate/believe in/validate the picture.

I commit myself to when I see a picture come up in my mind of where I have ‘missed out on an opportunity to do something awesome’ and ‘have an awesome experience’, to realize that it is only a picture that I am attempting to manipulate myself with, that will control/determine my behavior, where I am trying to convince myself to take certain actions out of the fear of ‘missing out’, and thus I am living only as this fear, and not making an actual self-willed decision of what I’d like to do or what would be most effective to do.

I commit myself to investigating myself and getting to know all the ways that I manipulate myself with pictures, where I allow myself to be directed by positive and negative images that come up in my mind, so that I can stop this self-manipulation and making choices out of fear of loss, so that I can rather make the most effective decisions instead of being ruled by fear.

I commit myself to be/become aware of the internal conversations/backchat that I participate in and use to manipulate myself and how I live and interact with myself and with others, so that I can stop manipulating myself through internal conversations within the understanding of the consequences I manifest through how I create myself with the very words and sentences I allow to take place/exist within me.

I commit myself to no longer participate in the backchat of ‘maybe I should go, I don’t want to miss out on this’ within the realization that this is only a thought based on fear of loss, which indicates that I am not standing here stable as myself, but am allowing ‘who I am’ to be determined by what I do, as the experiences I have/don’t have, and thus I commit myself to really getting to know myself so that I can stand here stable as myself as ‘who I am’ decided by myself in awareness of how I create myself and this reality as the reflection of who I am.

I commit myself to no longer participate in the backchat of ‘I bet it’s going to be really fun’ and to realize that I speak this phrase within myself to mind control myself into certain courses of action/behavior, and to realize that I obviously don’t and can’t know how I am actually going to experience myself, and thus a thought is never reality, yet I’ll shape how I experience myself based on the thoughts that I believe are real.

I commit myself to be/become aware of the physical feelings I experience when participating in/as the ‘I don’t want to miss-out’ character, as the indicators that assist and support me to see/consider/realize the abuse that I cause to the physical and myself as the physical within participating in the thoughts/feelings/emotions in general and relating to this particular character, and that assist and support me to see/realize exactly when/where/how I participate in this character, so that I may realize and stop myself.

I commit myself to stop wreaking havoc on my physical body, by walking myself through investigating myself in totality to see and identify each and every way I live as this character of ‘I don’t want to miss-out’ and of all characters that I live as, so that I can stop participating in abusing myself and this reality as the consequence of participation in/as thoughts/feelings/emotions through living as characters, instead of real beings here.

I commit myself to realize that when I am participating in and living as a character that I am not actually here in reality and thus when I participate in and as the character of ‘I don’t want to miss-out’, I am actually already missing-out on myself as the real physical being here and this physical reality and instead only participating in my mind reality which isn’t real as it doesn’t exist in substance, but only as a bubble of an alternate reality which only I experience, as thoughts/feelings/emotions experienced within my human physical body as chemical reactions, and thus not actual real physical experience as life here, and thus I commit myself to stop existing as all characters so that I can exist as a real being here, not missing-out on the time I have here as a physical being before it’s too late.

                                                               

Day 72: Self Forgiveness on the ‘I Don’t Want to Miss-Out’ Character

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in and exist as the character of ‘I Don’t Want to Miss-Out’, where I manipulate myself with a thought/belief where a though comes up as a picture of ‘what I’m going to miss’, where in a single moment an entire scenario flashes in my mind and I immediately believe in that picture-thought, and because I believe in that thought, all my actions are based on that thought as how I perceive reality to be, in spite of the actuality of reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in a picture in my mind, not realizing that it is only a picture, and thus has no actual relevance to reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the pictures that come up in my mind to such an extent that I immediately accept them as valid and then act according to them as if they are real in fact.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am actually just reacting and living according to pictures in my mind and not actual reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when seeing the picture in my mind of me participating in a scenario and ‘having such a good/amazing time’ to immediately believe that this picture will be the reality I will experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when seeing the picture in my mind of me being disappointed that I did not ‘act on an opportunity to do something awesome’ and ‘have an awesome experience’, to immediately believe this picture is valid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand how I manipulated myself with pictures in my mind, by utilizing pictures of scenarios/situations that I have defined as positive/negative in order to manipulate myself to take certain action/make certain choices based on fear of loss, wherein I fear that I am going to ‘lose’ what the positive picture is showing me as having a ‘good/exciting experience’ as the negative picture shows where I am ‘disappointed for ‘missing-out’ on the positive experience I ‘could have had’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in backchat/internal conversations within this not realizing that I was utilizing conversation with myself in my mind to manipulate myself and my very behavior as how I live and act and interact with others in my world and reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the backchat of ‘maybe I should go, as I don’t want to miss out’, within this reaffirming the perception/belief that I would be ‘missing-out’ on something, within this, feeling like I will actually lose a part of myself as if an experience would have made me who I am, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the experiences I have/had, when who I am is here as life which is not and not determined by or limited to a certain set of experiences to define it, as all experience is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the backchat of ‘I bet it’s going to be really fun’ within this trying to convince and talk myself into a certain course of action/behavior while ignoring the obvious fact that I don’t/can’t actually know what it’s going to be like/how I’ll actually experience myself, unless I am actually creating how I will experience myself, as then I’ll know that I will convince myself and make myself feel like I am having a good time and an exciting experience, despite the reality of the experience, so that I will feel justified in my thoughts and backchat, and so that I’ll never realize how I deceived and manipulated myself so that I may remain a slave to my thoughts forever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into emotion/feeling reactions of nervousness/anxiety in reaction to the fear of ‘missing-out’, within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I was creating these emotions/feelings within myself by creating friction towards this point of ‘Do I want to go or Don’t I? Should or shouldn’t I?, within this pulling myself back-and-forth between two polarity points, literally playing a game with myself at the expense of my human physical body generating these feelings/emotions of anxiety/deparation/nervousness/fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that the physical feelings I’d feel in my body were/are indicating to me what I am/was participating in and the consequences of such participation in thoughts as self manipulation and separation, wherein I’d experience feelings such as an anxiety and rush of adrenaline in accordance with the backchat of ‘I’ve got to make a move now before it’s too late and I miss the opportunity’ where I actually induce a state of ‘rushing’ within my human physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wreak havoc on my physical human body by participating in the thoughts/feelings/emotions associated with this character, and to ignore the stress I put on my human physical body within the obvious signs of what I actually feel within my body as I participate in this character, as tension in the shoulders/upper body, jitteriness, tiredness, adrenaline rush, even nausea, all indicating to me the abuse I am accepting and allowing as consequence in participating in and existing as the character of ‘I Don’t want to Miss-Out’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that in participating in and living as the character of ‘I Don’t want to Miss-Out’, that I am actually already missing-out, as I am busy in my mind in thoughts/backchat/feelings/emotions and thus I am anywhere but here actually living, and thus missing-out on life by being within my mind.