Day 183: Everything that Happens to Me is Another Excuse to Feel Bad

Heaven's Journey to Life

A pattern that I have noticed within myself, that we’re going to take a look at in this post and posts to come, is a pattern that has been a really fundamental design of my personality which I’ve lived as throughout my life, and through which I caused myself a lot of misery. It is a pattern of essentially making something out of nothing. Where I’d take whatever is here going on in my world and reality, in the day to day, and make something out of it, using it as a reason to go into a victim experience, like ‘oh man, I can’t believe this is happening to me’, and ‘first this, and now that’ where I would throughout the day and even throughout my life, be keeping a sort of ‘tally’ of everything ‘unfortunate’ that’s happened to me, and how unfair my life is.

And through this pattern of behavior I formed and maintained a self definition of being a victim to the world, a victim to the experiences I had and what would come up in my life. What I didn’t see, realize or understand is that I was actually victimizing myself, through my participation in this personality design. The experience that I created within myself through my participation in/as the mind within the multiple dimensions of thoughts, imagination, feelings, emotions, internal conversations, was my own doing, and had nothing to do with whatever was happening/place in my life, as it was directly as a result of my participation in the mind that created how I experienced myself, as my relationship to myself, my life, and the world.

Yet, there is the tendency to think and believe that it is what is going on in our life that is ‘the reason I feel this way or that’, that it’s the events that come up that are to blame for how we react and how we experience ourselves. I mean, I believed this. I believed that because my boyfriend cheated on me, it was normal to feel like shit, to feel worthless, and to just overall be completely possessed by an experience of depression. If people were nice to me throughout the day, I felt good about life. If I had several ‘negative’ encounters, I hated life, hated people, hated everything and felt depressed and like ‘what’s the point’.

As children, we learn to react certain ways toward certain things, and since we have no frame of reference for what we’re experiencing or why or how thoughts, feelings and emotions work, we just go along with it accepting it as normal, as that’s the example we see from everyone else as well- the adults in our lives, our parents, no one has a clue what’s really going on in one’s own mind, and it’s just accepted as normal, and we pass on these reactions and this acceptance that our environment is actually creating this reactions/experiences within us, on to the next generation, and the next.
So I, like everyone else, had accepted these patterns of reactions as normal, and that it really is things in my reality that’s causing it. I’m sad because it’s raining and I was going to have a picnic. I feel so good because ‘my song’ is playing on the radio. And so on. You can find all kinds of examples if you look at your own reactions toward things. As you walk through your day, just notice where you find yourself thinking, ‘I’m so this because of that’, or ‘Man, I feel so this’ and then look at what is the ‘that’ that ‘made you’ feel that way.

So the problem with this is that we’ve essentially made ourselves victims to our environment, and so now we don’t even see what is actually a real problem or not, because we’ve gone and fabricated problems toward what is here, and now we don’t know what’s real or not. The consequence of when we make up this construct of essentially an ‘if this, then that’ program and live as if that is real, is we are enslaving ourselves, to our own mind, to now go into a certain reaction in a certain situation, and thus we’re not really here living, but essentially going from one reaction to the next. Which is quite exhausting, as it takes energy to generate these reactions, for which the mind utilize the resources of the physical body. And thus why we over time become more and more ‘aged’ as we call it, but it is really the consequence of the depletion of the physical body to an extent which it can’t effectively replenish, and thus deteriorate until we start to lose functions and all sorts of conditions begin to develop, like strokes and such, the body can’t take it anymore.

The solution to this, to put it simply, is to stop existing as these patterns of energy-experiences, and thus why I am walking this patterns and others here in this blog, to through the application of self writing, self forgiveness and self corrective statements, assist and support myself to stop myself as essentially existing as nothing more than energy-experiences, which will lead to the inevitable reward of discovering what it means to really live, and actually living.

We will further open up this point in posts to come..

If you want to find out more about this process of moving from being an energy bi-product to Life, read the articles at Desteni, and visit the forums there to get perspectives and take place in discussions.
Read and follow the Journey to Life blogs where hundreds of others are walking their individual processes of developing real self awareness through getting a practical understanding of one's mind and thoughts, and sorting out reality from mind fiction.
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