|Featured Artwork by Marlen Vargas Del Razo|
This post is part of the 'Why Me' Character series. Previous posts:
Day 183: Everything that Happens to Me is Another Excuse to Feel Bad
Day 185: WHY ME - Drunk on the Whine of Imagination
So now we are going to continue with looking at the Victim Character, in which I victimize myself, utilizing the events/situations that occur throughout the day, to build a character of self-defeat, where I make something out of nothing, and add further consequence to my living. What’s ironic about this pattern, and with all mind patterns actually, is that the mind reverse everything, so that instead of doing what would be most effective, most beneficial for oneself, in a moment, we’ll do the complete opposite, and we’ll actually think it’s a good idea to do so, and that it makes sense. Which is what I found in investigating my own mind, and really having a look in self honesty, at just what is going on, like – what is the motive behind my thoughts, what actions are they driving me toward? And what I’ve found is just, really quite bizarre, as we tend to go into the acceptance of limitation, instead of toward that which will lead us to actually expand ourselves to be effective human beings and live to our true potential.
At first I felt overwhelmed as this point opened up – as I was actually becoming more and more aware of just the extent to which I had come to exist as this primary pattern of self-defeat and self-sabotage, where it has become so permeated into my very being-ness, that it’s like I think, eat, and sleep it practically.
Yet, thanks to the assistance I’ve had from walking with Desteni, I am able to realize that this overwhelmedness is now only because I am finally becoming aware of the point, and I have been living as this point for nearly my entire life, so it is really nothing new. And this is what is so awesome about becoming aware of and seeing the patterns one exist as – because now there is the possibility to change those patterns, and stop those patterns.
So, I’ve noticed a few dimensions to this character, where I basically go into creating conflict with reality, I mean that is essentially what this pattern is – creating conflict.
I notice that this character comes up when for example things don’t go according to how I’ve planned, or like when something unexpectedly comes up, and now I am not able to continue with things as planned.
Another situation in which this character arise, is through comparison of myself to another, for example someone in my life like a coworker or my partner, wherein I’ll see them doing or experiencing something that I think is ‘cool’ or ‘fun’ , and then compare that to what I am doing in the moment which I’ve defined as not ‘cool’ or ‘fun’, and then go into a ‘why me’ experience based on that comparison in that moment.
And then, another way I notice this character come up, is when events will happen to me that I’ve defined as ‘negative’ within a relationship of ‘what one is supposed to have a negative reaction toward’, which I will then ‘accrue’, or ‘add up’ over the course of a day or even weeks or months or really there is not set ‘time limit’, where each ‘bad thing’ that ‘happens to me’ is like ‘one more nail in the coffin’ where I use each following point to go further and further into this character.
So, in the next post of the WHY ME Character series, in which I will be continuing with the practical application of writing out this character, to get to see and understand it in all its dimensions, I will take a look at the Thought Dimension of this character, as what is the typical initial Thought/Thoughts that come up that activate this character.